You are my life, Bastila!
by birthofthecool
Summary: Not a retelling of KOTOR, but more of the story between what we see in the game. Mainly about the relationship between Bastila and Revan. Male! Hetero! LSM Revan/ Bastila. More in Author's notes. Rated T NC17  because of mention of rape and mild lime.
1. Chapter 1

**_Author's rantings:_**

**_Well, here it is, my first KOTOR story. It took me about two weeks of writing to get it done, and I've to admit I'm rather pleased by it (Okay, I'd already written about a quarter of it earlier...)._**

**_It's not so much a retelling of KOTOR, but more like an addition._**

**_Don't be alarmed, the two fights between Revan and Bastila had to be included, but I added enough to keep it interesting, I hope._**

**_This story is LSM Revan/Bastila. I'll save the Femslash for KOTOR 2 (It's more canon this way).  
>I decided that Malak forced himself on Bastila, to be honest I'm quite sure he would've done so. She's attractive and a virgin, so the act in itself will totally crush her and that, after all, is his target. And he's evil, people!<em>**

**_The whole story is filled with angst. I fear I've an affinity for it. :-)_**

**_Spoken words are indicated by ""_**

**_Most of the time thoughts are indicated by "" and written in cursive; except for the original scenes, there thoughts are written in cursive and bold, while the original dialogue is written in cursive._**

**Disclaimer: Aliens are taking over the world and only our tin-foil helmets can save us. Oh, and I don't own KOTOR, Star Wars or any of it's characters, I may have a little influence on my Avatar, but that's all.**

**_!Updated! Added a few more sentences to some parts and improved (hopefully) the editing! Plus, there's a whole new short scene in chapter 4, which has seen the most work done._**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>X<strong>**

**You are my life, Bastila**

**X**

**Chapter 1**

****X****

**Rakata, Temple of the Ancients**

**X  
>X<strong>

The first time she had called him by his old name, at least out loud, was atop the old temple of the ancients, when she tried to lure him back to the darkside.

To herself, she had often called him Revan, especially at the beginning of their quest. Yet the longer they worked together, the less that name had seemed to fit.

X

The thing she noticed first, when he and the other two Jedis stopped in front of her, where his eyes.

His green orbs had pierced her soul, as he looked deeply into her blue-grey ones. She registered the surprise in his eyes and the happiness at seeing her, apparently unharmed.

Then the joy faded from his eyes, as he realized her new attire and the way she was just standing there, waiting, instead of running to meet her friends.

Bastila steeled her soul. She had a mission to fulfil, as her master had commanded.

X

He wanted to run to her and catch her in his arms, but he sensed that something was wrong here.

So all he could do was stare at her lithe form, dressed in tight, dark body armour. Something she'd normally dislike.

X

„_Revan - I knew you would come for me. Malak thought you might be afraid to enter the temple again, but he doesn't know you like I do. Not anymore. Not since you've changed."_

Her voice sounded cold, with underlying venom hidden in it.

A horrible realization dawned on him at her words. To horrible to admit it.

Juhani on the other hand was just happy that her fellow Jedi had returned.

„_Quickly, Bastila - come with us! We have to escape before Malak arrives!"_

She called out to her.

X

Bastila spoke again, with a malicious edge in her voice.

„_Escape? You do not understand. I have sworn allegiance to Lord Malak and the Sith; I am no longer a pawn of the Jedi Council…"_

What he had feared was true, but it couldn't! It couldn't be true.

„_No, Bastila! Don't go over to the dark side!"_

She gave him a cold smile.

„_You say that as if the dark side is some terrible entity. The Jedi Council has brainwashed you like all the others. Like they once did with me._

_They speak of the dark side as if it is something to be feared. But in reality their only goal is to manipulate those who are strong in the force. _

_The fear of the dark side is a tool to maintain control._

_Why do you think the Jedi forbid you and Malak from joining the Mandalorian Wars? They knew you would realize your true potential and break free of their domination."_

Even knowing that she'd fallen, he was surprised about the hatred in her voice.

„_Malak has shown me how the Jedi Council has been using me the same way they once tried to use you. They have been holding me back because they knew one day I would surpass them all."_

_X_

He fought to keep his voice steady, even now that her words were like spears stabbing into his heart.

„_Don't do this, Bastila. Fight it! I'll help you."_

He tried to reach her through their bond as well.

During their time together it had gotten so strong, that they could communicate without words when they were close enough to each other.

**„Don't be lured in by these Sith lies, Bastila!"**

Her beautiful eyes looked at him, full of contempt for his perceived weakness.

„_You are a sad little fool. You speak as if I were the same Bastila,_

_that you've known all along. But freed from the control of the Jedi Council I have become much, much more._

_I almost wish you could see things as I do now. I wish you could join me and taste true power once again. Sadly, I doubt you are even capable any longer."_

Her voice rose to a triumphant exclamation:

„_With the power of the Star Forge Malak will destroy the Republic and conquer the galaxy. And I will be the apprentice at his side - after I prove my worth by killing you!"_

X

X

Her words actually sent him tumbling back. They were like physical blows.

Shocked by her change, he could only watch in dazed surprise as she ignited her two bladed lightsaber, now burning in an evil read, instead of bright yellow, and charged at him.

He made no move to defend himself, when she brought the blade down on his head.

Juhani's green lightsaber appeared in front of him, just in time to deflect Bastila's blow, while a force push from Jolee threw the fallen Jedi across the temple top.

"_Derek! Snap out of it. We need you, to overpower her."_

Hissed the golden eyed Cathar.

Shaking his head as if coming out of a trance, he became aware of his surroundings again.

Bastila had landed on her feet, about ten meters away.

His mind screamed at him.

"_**Overpower her! Disarm her. Then we can bring her back!"**_

Pushing himself of the ground, with help of the force, he crossed the distance in a single jump, igniting his orange and turquoise blades and bringing them down hard on her raised lightsaber.

Bastila fell to one knee under the force of his attack, but managed to block his next blow effortlessly.

She slashed at his legs, he jumped over her blade.

Simultaneously she made a roll forward, under his legs, coming up in a crouch behind him.

She kicked back and up with a force supported leg, hitting Derek in the small of his back, sending him flying against one of the temple walls.

Before she could make use of the opportunity, she had to defend herself against a barrage of blows and attacks from Jolee and Juhani. Both of them were carrying one long and one short lightsaber.

The Cathar's glowing green, that of the old, former Jedi a clear blue.

X

X

With the new strength and skill gained through the dark side, Bastila managed to survive the dual assault and was on the verge of starting a counter attack, when she sensed Danger behind herself and somersaulted to the right, just in time to escape a kick to the head by Revan.

Now the three ganged up on her, and three Jedis wielding six blades, were pressing her hard, even with her raised power levels.

Especially, she had to admit, when one of the opponents was as skilled as Revan. Judging from the effort it took to catch his attacks, given time he could probably overpower her alone.

Gathering dark force energy, she unleashed crackling, white energy bands, into her enemies' bodies, effectively paralyzing them.

She followed it with a strong force push that shoved them back a few meters and sent them down on the floor, hard.

X

„_You are stronger than I would have thought possible, after what the Jedi Council did to you. It seems that Malak was wrong - the power of the dark side is not lost to you after all, Revan."_

Derek wasn't so sure of his legs, after he'd just gotten on his feet. But he was sure of his answer

„_I draw my power from the light now, Bastila."_

Her lips curled in an ugly sneer at his reply. But what he sent her through their force bond moved her more than his spoken words did.

"_**I'm not Revan anymore, I really never was. **_

_**It was the name of the Sith Lord, not of the foolish, brash young knight.**_

_**And it isn't my name; I'm Derek Belarion now, the man who loves you. **_

_**And even if I had no other reason, just because of this I'd stay Derek Belarion until the day I die."**_

X

The first time since Malak had opened her eyes; she felt her resolve falter and had to reign in her weakness concerning him.

„_You can deny what you are; Revan, but you are only fooling yourself. I know the truth. I have seen the shadows inside your mind._

_Remember: I was there when you nearly died in the trap set up by the Jedi Council. I used the Force to preserve your life, Revan. We are forever linked by my actions on that bridge!"_

Again he appealed to the feelings they had for each other.

„_We are linked by more than just a bond, Bastila."_

And continuing through the selfsame bond:

„_**That is why I know you will come back to the light, back to me."**_

X

„_Do not mistake the power of the Force for love, Revan. It does not exist. Power is what forged our bond and power is what made us both tools of the Jedi Council!"_

The anger she felt for what had been done to him… to them, helped to strengthen her. Surely she could convince him, as well.

„_The council tried to exploit the bond between us. They hoped I would draw out your memories to lead them to the Star Forge. We were slaves to their will - like all who follow the Jedi Code._

_But in our shared visions of the Star Maps I also felt the so called taint within you. I resisted it at first, but now I embrace the power of the dark side - your dark side"_

What he had feared was true, it was entirely his fault, his darkness had destroyed her.

„_Learn from my mistakes. It's not too late to come back to the light."_

**_"My fault. My fault! I'm responsible for her fall. I knew it._**

**_As if leaving her at Malak's mercy wasn't enough."_**

„_Mistakes? No, Revan - the only mistake you are making is the one you are making now! You deny yourself the power that is yours by right! Only now do I realize how strong you are._

_You deserve to be the true Master of the Sith, not Malak. I see this now. Together we can destroy your old apprentice. Join with me and reclaim your lost identity!"_

He searched inside his soul, but her offer held no attraction for him.

„_I'm not Revan anymore. I don't even remember those days."_

„_Your mind was too badly damaged to ever fully restore your memories, Revan. But your power, your strength of will, the essence of who you and what you are: these things still remain!_

_Once long ago you defied the Jedi Council, freeing yourself from their control._

_You claimed your rightful title of Dark Lord of the Sith. Together we can defeat Malak and take back what is yours!"_

There had to be a way to reach her. He couldn't give up.

„_Please, Bastila... If you feel anything for me, you won't do this!"_

„_I... I don't. The only Revan I could respect is one who would break free of the Council's slavery. One who would grasp the power that lies before him… not the weak fool I see."_

The hesitation and uncertainty in her voice raised his hopes.

X

And Juhani seemed to have felt it as well, because she added her own plea.

„_Bastila, it is not too late for you to be saved. The teachings of the Jedi can lead you from the dark side back into the light and a true understanding of the Force."_

The ugly sneer and the arrogance returned to Bastila's face.

„_You are beneath my contempt, Juhani. When you felt the power of the dark side you fled to a cave like some covering animal! You know nothing of the Force or its true potential!"_

She focused her attention on Derek again.

„_But you, Revan - the power of the dark side is yours to command! You can use it to destroy Malak! With my help you could rule over the entire galaxy!"_

„_I don't want to rule the galaxy. I want you to return to the light."_

One more time he tried to sway her through their bond.

„_**I told you that the Dark Lord Revan is dead´. He's gone for good.**_

_**Just come back to me Bas', I sense you are not too far gone. **_

_**I need you at my side. **_

_**Despite what you may think; you are my strength, without my love for you and the others I might have been turned again."**_

X

She could feel the powerful emotions he send her through the bound.

His love for her, his longing to have her with him again.

Forgiveness for the secret she had kept from him and even for what she was doing now.

There was no judgement in him, only understanding.

X

Luckily Malak had prepared her for this; a command was embedded in her mind to instantly close the link between them, should her dedication waver.

The bond couldn't be severed, but she could block it.

And before she did, she sent him her anger, her hatred; she accused him of not giving in to Karath's demands when the admiral had tortured her.

She knew he would be hurt by this, she had felt his guilt the moment T3-M4 had freed them from the holding cells.

He was just about to give in, when Karath had shocked them all unconscious. His pain didn't matter to him, but he couldn't stand when she was hurt.

That was why one of the last two last thing she send through the link was the pain she'd felt in the week long torture, when Malak had shown her the error of her Jedi life.

Feeling him retreat in horror, his body actually shaking in shock and guilt, she added more fuel to the fire.

X

„_You are a pathetic fool, Revan. _

_Together we could have defeated Malak and ruled over an Empire, but now I will be at Lord Malak's side instead!_

_You will be crushed with the Republic and all the fools who bow down to the Jedi Council! _

_No one can stand against the power of the Star Forge and the Sith fleet!"_

X

Before she totally blocked the connection between them, she shot another hook in his soul.

"_**Where were you, when my Lord broke me to his will?"**_

X

She turned and ran through an open roofed passage to her Ship, with Revan in Pursuit, still reeling from her words.

When she reached the Crescent-shaped, chromed Ship, Malak had equipped her with, she paused for a moment on the boarding ramp.

The fallen Jedi turned around to the advancing Revan, looked into his eyes, stopping him dead in his tracks.

Slowly and seductively she let her hands slide over her breasts and down her body, sending a lustful glare at him.

"_**I belong to my master now. Body and soul. He possesses what a weakling like you will never get." **_

She activated the closing mechanism with the force and found it cruelly amusing to watch his shocked and defeated face as the ascending ramp took her from his view.

X

* * *

><p><strong>X<strong>

**Coruscant, approximately 30 days after the Star Forge's destruction.**

**X**

**X**

They had left the party some time ago and found the secluded balcony of their room, to have a great view of Coruscant's lights beneath them and the other flying Sky-spires nearby.

They certainly had seen their share of wondrous sights and places during the hunt for the Star Forge, but the planet-wide city still was something to behold.

Bastila sat on the small wall surrounding the balcony's edge.

One leg dangling from it, the other resting along the wall.

Derek stood behind her, looking out in the night sky, holding her right hand, between his own.

X

They both were dressed in some sort of fantasy uniform, consisting of royal blue pants and Jacket.

They had been forced onto the whole crew of the Ebon Hawk, except for Canderous, who'd explained exactly what he was going to do with anybody trying to make him wear this "fairy" outfit.

The uniform was completed by a wide, black sash, worn around their waists, blue gloves and knee-length black boots.

The gloves had long since found their place tugged into the sash.

Both Bastila and Derek wore their lightsabers, attached to the sash with bands, made of the same fabric.

X

The atmosphere between the two young Jedis was kind of awkward.

They knew they loved and trusted one another, yet at the same time so much had happened between them, that it was hard to get close to each other again.

X

"So… did you… what you said, before your ship lifted from the Rakata temple, was it true? "

Bastila's eyes widened in shame, there was no need to question what Derek was talking about.

She forced herself to look into his green eyes. Pleading for his understanding.

"I'm not… You don't have to tell me. It will change nothing between us. I love you, Bas', and I'll always love you no matter what."

X

She desperately needed to believe him, yet at the same time she actually wanted to tell him, if only because it could perhaps lessen the weights dragging on her soul.

Collecting all her strength and courage, she quietly, sadly began to answer him. In her nervousness she couldn't even manage to talk without stuttering.

"Malak, he t-took me by f-force, when he t-tortured me. I-I was almost unconscious from h-hours o-of p-p-pain. Still tied to a table, unable to move… I h-had no fight left in me."

Her blue-grey eyes filled with tears, no Jedi calmness could help her at this moment. She began to cry, trying to suppress her moans, but failing. Of all she had to endure, nothing, NOTHING had hurt as much as this. The anger and degradation she had felt were impossible to control.

When she'd told Derek that it wasn't Malak's torture that had turned her, but that he had convinced her, it was only partially true.

Even when she had the Dark Lord's Sith apprentice, she'd woken up screaming from dreams where his hands ran over her body.

The pain. The pain when he took her virginity, so brutal that she'd bleed for hours, hanging limp and broken in her chains.

This pain was only surpassed by the sadness that her first time was not with the man she loved.

That she could never give it to him. That something so precious had been ripped off her by brute force.

X

Derek's left arm embraced her shoulder, hugging her close to him. His right hand never let go of hers and he gently squeezed her fingers in a supportive gesture.

His own voice sounded choked, as he assured her.

"You really don't have to tell me, princess. I don't want you to hurt anymore than you already do."

Or, he asked himself, did he only want to spare himself?

"N-no, I w-want… I n-need to tell you."

X

She paused for some time, each passing second seemingly increasing the pressure the two Jedis felt.

Finally Bastila regained the courage to continue, with a shaken, unsure voice, filled with hurt.

"After the first time, he did it again and again. He noticed… that it hurt me far more than the rest of the torture.

At first all he wanted **was** to hurt me, I suppose.

L-later he enjoyed making me react to him, helpless against his administrations; he continued to work on my body until I lost all control.

T-this was worse, much worse than all he did before, except for the first time.

My b-body betrayed me. Succumbing to the pain, to lust. After all he'd already taken from me, he took this as well

When I gave in to the dark side, he insisted on continuing. I couldn't deny him, my body and mind were his playthings. My disgust over my reaction helped him to sink his claws deeper and deeper into me."

X

She shuddered in his arm. Caught in the shame over the way Malak had managed to play with her body, her lust

A choked sound escaped Derek's lips. His blood rushed to his head, and he heard it whooshing in his ears.

"I want to kill him again!

I wished I'd let him come back more often, so that I could put him down again and again.

Exterminate him, like the rabid vermin that he was!

I never should have left you in his hands."

Bastila felt his rage, but also his effort to get it under control.

Somehow, both seemed to help her, as did his comforting arm around her shoulder.

"We had no choice. There was no other way. With those visions of Revan's life, the revelation you just had, you wouldn't have been able to fight him any longer."

His hand squeezed hers again, almost painfully.

"Don't you see that this is my fault? All of it is my fault.

The darkness in me, made you falter in your conviction.

The pressure I put on you, to abandon the Codex for love.

Your capture, your torture, everything.

He could only turn you, because I failed. Because I weakened you, because I couldn't protect you.

All you suffered, all of it is on my conscience."

X

X

Tears still streaming over her cheeks, her blue-grey eyes darkened.

"Don't you dare put all the blame on yourself. I chose to stay on board and cover Carth's and your retreat.

I was tempted by Revan's darkness, while you yourself stayed pure.

If I would have been able to accept my feelings for you, I would have been strengthened by them, like you, not weakened."

He shook his head, unwilling to pass any guilt onto her.

"You saved me. You pulled me back from the abyss, Derek. You refused to let me die and showed me a path to redemption."

She lifted her head off his chest and looked at him again.

"Help me. Help me to fight this as well. Help me deal with it, like you helped me to come back to the light.

Let our love be my anchor."

Looking up in his face, she whispered.

"Give me better memories, to replace the nightmare. I can only live with this, because I've got you."

X

He studied her beautiful face intently, saw her pain, but he also saw hope. Hope for happiness and peace brought on by their love.

Hope that he would be there to help her repair all that had been broken inside her.

He nodded his head and buried his face in her hair, deeply breathing in, inhaling its scent.

"I will Bas'. I'll do everything I can, to help.

If I can do anything, just ask me and I will."

"For now it would be nice to just sit here, in your arms.

I know that I am safe in your embrace. You will let nothing bad happen to me anymore, right?"

"Nothing! No one will get to you, as long as I live."

She wiped her tears away and smiled at him again.

"You know, Derek? Part of me hates this situation, that I have to depend on you for this. That I'm not strong enough on my own now. The other part just wants to be in your arms and never ever let go again."

"You will be strong enough again. You **are** still strong. You will get through this and be stronger than before.

Take your time to heal, as long as you need me as a shield, I'll be there.

You were there for me. Helping each other is our strength, not our weakness"

X

X

More than an hour had passed; they stood side by side now, still looking down on Coruscant, still hand in hand.

Derek was feeling a little irritated, that they were already talking about quite serious issues again.

After the confirmation of his fears, after seeing his love shaken and hurt, he wanted to think about nothing serious anymore.

All he wanted was to comfort her and to enjoy their closeness.

X

"Why don't you hate me and the council for what we did?"

That was what she had asked.

For minutes now he struggled to explain himself, but wasn't doing a very good job.

He sighed frustrated.

"Okay, Princess… It's… You have to…

No. No. No! That's not working as well.

See, when Malak triggered my memory fragments and you admitted what the council had done to me and your part in it…

I was furious, but then we had to leave you with Malak and that felt so much worse than anything else.

It pushed the whole mind-erasing and creating a new persona stuff aside. If I had been the one in Malak's hands, that would have taken priority over any anger issues for you, wouldn't it."

She nodded, not certain of her voice and he quietly continued.

"I don't… know really. Sometimes I feel so angry about what was done to me.

But then again, I keep asking myself, would it ever have been possible for Revan the Sith-lord to be who I am now?

Revan couldn't be Carth's friend.

Revan would have killed Mission the first time he grew tired of her brat-ish behaviour."

Bastila giggled softly.

"You're making up words again. Brat-ish? That sounds ridiculous."

Derek couldn't help but smile, when the once so solemn Jedi giggled like a girlie, even if it was just a momentary reprise for her.

"Still, it's true! I would have done terrible, horrible things to all of you,

I'd have twisted you, Juhani and Jolee into my willing Sith-slaves or would just have killed you if you resisted.

And for all of Revan's boasting, about how he would help evrybody, save everybody. I wouldn't have helped anybody, if it wasn't for my own gain."

He struggled with his thoughts, trying to explain himself.

Why was this so hard? Usually he was such a smooth talker, but now… This was personal. And very close to his core.

"I guess that for all his might Revan would never have had as much fun as I did, never found so much joy in life.

I don't remember all that much, but all that was inside him was hate, anger, ambition and greed.

He... I may have had pure intentions at the beginning, but there was nothing left of that.

When he wanted something or someone he just took it, to hell with the consequences or what the…"

He caught himself and averted his eyes, so that he didn't have to face Bastila's beautiful gray-blue orbs. Even accepting who he had been, didn't change the fact, that he felt shame and guilt about Revan's deeds.

"I never asked any of them, what they wanted; I just used them to still my hunger, my lust for a short time. Apprentices, prisoners, whomever I desired had no choice but obey.

That's what I think happened, at least some memory fragments are of that… kind"

He felt Bastila's hands jerk in his, but at least she didn't pull them away from his.

He couldn't bring himself to look in her face, afraid to see the contempt, he felt for his previous self in her eyes.

He sighed and continued.

"I… I'm sorry, Bas'. I feel like I have to tell you this.

You of all people, 'cause I don't want you to feel guilty anymore for what you and the masters did.

Revan was a monster and I'm grateful, that I don't have to be him anymore"

X

Hesitating, he turned his head to face her again. Her expression was the usual "Jedi Mask," but a solitary tear was running down her left cheek.

He'd made her cry again.

Of course. He'd told her, that his former self basically had done the same to other women that Malak had done to her.

He looked down to the ground once more.

His voice was shaken with emotion as he forced himself to go on.

"Please, don't cry. You don't know how much I regret what Revan… No, what I did. Just please, don't hate me for it. I…"

X

He was interrupted, when his beautiful Jedi Princess caught him in an embrace, covering his face with quick and sweet kisses, before she finally placed a long, passionate one on his lips.

Derek hesitated only for a second, before he returned the kiss, tasting her sweet lips was pure bliss to him.

Sometimes he felt almost afraid of the power of his love for Bastila.

When she finally broke the kiss, she stayed close and rested her forehead against his.

"Derek, don't be stupid. Of course I'm not happy about what you did to this women or how you used them, but don't you think it would be strange if I hated you for this and not for all the other things your former self did?

Do you think I could ever have been saved through the love of the Sith-Lord? That I would love you, if I wasn't a 100% sure, that none of this darkness remains in you?

Besides, who am I to judge you?"

Now he could hear the guilt in her voice again.

What a pair the two of them were. He was sure, that without their love, the guilt would have eaten them from the inside.

They might have been able to stay away from the darkness, but a joyful existence would have been unattainable.

At least they could deal with their problems together.

His arms gently pulled her to him, until she relaxed and hopefully felt safe and cared for in his embrace.

"Hush Bas', it's not like this. You were in an emotional turmoil when Malak caught you.

You didn't know how to deal with your feelings for me. You felt ashamed, because I'd just found out what had been done to me.

By the force Bas,' he tortured you for a whole week, before you broke.

And the… other thing… I can't even begin to feel how much this hurt you and still does"

X

She didn't answer him, but he could feel her body relax against him and she rested her head on his shoulder, her silken hair gently trailing over his cheek, almost like a soft caress.

"You saved me. You brought me back and trusted me so much that you wanted me to fight alongside you again. You believed in me.

I don't know wether I could have done this. To put my life into the hands of someone claiming to have returned from the dark side.

You are my strength, Derek. You brought so much joy and fun into my life, even helped me to make peace with my mother."

Her words made his thump like mad. Not just her words, but the loving tone in which she'd said it.

He pulled her even more into his embrace and whispered in her ear.

"You trusted a former Sith Lord with your life many times, princess. Besides, I knew I could trust you. I'd never for one moment believe that you would fall to the dark side completely.

All I want now, is to spend the rest of my life together with you."

He felt it was fruitless to continue with this now.

There'd be time enough to work on getting through their problems together.

Now, just weeks after they had destroyed the Star Forge, was too soon.

Even the journey to Coruscant hadn't been enough to fill their reservoirs again.

X

The first weeks all four Jedis had spent most of their time sleeping. Resting mind and soul, after dealing with the dark sides pressure all around them for so long.

They all had suffered minor wounds except for Mission; and Carth, Jolee and Derek some not so minor ones.

Jolee had received a few bad cuts and burns, after he had to go head to head with three Siths at once.

Carth had been hit in the shoulder by a blaster bolt from a battle droid; it was quite serious, with burned tissue spread far around the wound.

After they had escaped the Soul Forge and were undergoing a scrutinous clinical check-up on board a republican frigate, it was discovered that Derek had quite serious inner damages, probably from spilled energy, when he had been hit by force lightning, which must have happened some dozen times on board the Soul Forge.

Wrapped in the force as he'd been during that time, he hadn't noticed any of it.

He had been sure that he had been able to divert all of the malign energy.

Jedi healing and healing trance took care of a lot of this damage, but he had been weak like a newborn for the next 7-8 days.

Bastila was beaten and bruised after their duel, but thanks to the Soul Forge energies, her wounds were already mostly healed.

At least her physical wounds.

X

Up until now, she was still only able to sleep in his arms; even then she'd wake up screaming some nights.

Clutching to him as if for dear life, her eyes wide in terror.

She couldn't go back to sleep for hours, after this.

Her arms and legs wrapped around him, her face buried in his chest and her tears on his naked skin.

He felt her shiver then, and spent the time till morning gently stroking her sweat-damp hair.

Now at least he knew a bit more about the reason why this happened.

And why during all this time he'd never tried more than to kiss and hold her.

X

X

"How about we end this trail of conversation? I think that's enough soul searching for today. Don't we have anything better to do? Wasn't there a reason for leaving the others to their party?"

He trailed kisses over her cheek and neck, down to where shoulder and neck met and gently bit into her smooth skin, before he kissed the same place. Then he sucked on her skin and after stopping, softly blew air over the wet spot.

Bastila stiffened for a moment under the teasing sensation, gave a startled, little moan and pressed her body against his.

"See, that's more fun. I don't even know why we started talking about serious stuff.

Must have been your Jedi stiffness oozing out."

She gave him a mock annoyed look.

"There's no such thing as Jedi stiffness. You nerf herder."

"I can't believe you're actually swearing at me. Someone must have a bad influence on you."

"A very bad influence, indeed. He's even a threat to my chastity."

"That sound's interesting. Why don't we explore this further?"

"How would you propose to go about that?"

"By doing this." He whispered.

He blew softly into her ear and felt her shiver in his arms again; he knew quite well how strong she reacted to that.

Then he buried his hands in her dark tresses, starting an attack on her mouth, taking her upper lip between his and sucking softly.

Nibbling equally soft at her lower lip and sealing her mouth with his before he finally let her breathe again.

"And this." His right hand wandered down her body and began to caress her well rounded bottom and thigh.

"And of course this." He breathed before he started kissing her again.

X

The kisses grew more and more passionate and Bastila opened her lips to give way for his probing tongue to enter and explore, moaning softly into his mouth.

His tongue ravaged her mouth until they were both out of breath.

Her face flushed, her soft hair dishevelled, she looked into his eyes, her own blue-gray orbs clouded by lust.

"I want to be with you, Derek. I want to give myself to you, now."

He watched her with a caring expression on his face.

"Are you sure Bas'? We can wait; I don't want you to be forced into something you are not ready for yet. It's barely been more than four weeks since the Star Forge."

"I want to remember something better. I don't want sex to stay a bad memory. I want you to make love to me and replace the bad memories with something good."

"And you are sure it isn't too soon? We don't need to rush into this."

Her answer came in a voice turned coarse by her arousal.

"I want you. I've waited long enough. As clichéd as it may sound, I want us to become one. I love you."

"If you are sure about this. Your wish is my command, princess."

X

He effortlessly lifted her body off the ground and carried her in his arms to the bed. His room on board the flying tower was that of a high-ranking republican officer, so the bed was wide enough for the two of them.

Derek's eyes wandered over every inch of Bastila's lithe body. The "uniform" hugging the curve of her hips and the swell of her firm breasts.

Leaning forward to kiss her again, his right started unbuttoning the uniform jacket and instantly continued its work on her shirt.

Then his hand slid into the garments and cupped her left breast over her plain brown bra.

Again Bastila couldn't stop a moan from escaping.

He smiled inwardly, about her strong reaction.

She was still so sweet and innocent, even in the heat of passion it showed clearly.

Whatever Malak did to her, he didn't succeed in taking this away from her.

X

"Oh, Derek. I… this feels so good. I… Aaahh!" she gasped, reacting to his thumb and index finger pinching her nipple, with his hands now under her bra.

He buried his mouth in her nape again and resumed kissing her there.

"It's nothing like… I've never felt…" She called out.

He backed down for a moment, to get out of his own shirt and jacket, before he quickly unzipped Bastila's pants, pulling them of her in two quick moves. She'd already gotten rid of her jacket and was now only clad in bra and panties and the open white shirt.

When he leaned into her again, her hands wandered over his toned chest and his shoulders down to his back.

"Derek?"

Startled at the disturbance, he gazed in her eyes, questioning.

"I've just noticed, that Jedi stiffness does indeed exist."

X

X

Hours later they ran out of energy. Tired, raw and covered in sweat, but totally satisfied.

"You are unbelievable Bas'. This was… more than… it was like nothing else. I'll never forget this night."

She smiled weak and tired, but happy.

"I feel the same way. It was wonderful. Like I…"

"…screamed." He completed her, with a grin.

"Ha ha. But still, it was nothing like…

It was a balm for my soul and body."

He pressed her aforementioned naked body to his and softly kissed her forehead.

"We'll make more of these memories, to replace any bad ones and leftovers from before."

He seemed lost in thoughts for one moment, then he asked.

"Do you remember, the first time I was in your arms?"

Her smile grew wider, her eyes lighting up.

"Well, the first time was when I saved your life after Malak's attack, but I think you mean Tatooine, where a certain scoundrel, was up to no good as usual."

He pouted in mock hurt.

"Why, mylady! I believe you've wronged me. I was all about virtue this day."

* * *

><p>X<p>

**_A.N. :_**

**_Hm... I don't really have much to say. I just hope this is entertaining._**

**_Please be so kind and review. I welcome every review, especially the negative ones. How am I suppossed to get better when no on tells me what I'm doing wrong?_**

**_Even flames are okay, I might drive a tank through your living room afterwards, but I'll accept your flaming..._**

**_As always. The crappy editing isn't my fault, it's what the fanfiction page turns all my scripts into. I do my best to keep the stories still readable. _**

**_This chapter alone took almost an hour to fix, after I loaded it up on the side._**

**_X_**

**_I've so far refrained from reading similar KOTOR stories, because I definitely didn't want to copy anybody else._**

**_There was one great story, I couldn't keep from reading and it was devastating how often it went in the same direction I wanted to go. _**

**_I rewrote quite a bit of the first two chapters to change that._**

**_The story is "KOTOR: StarCrossed Lovers" by Angel of Eternity._**

**_And it is fantastic. It basically is a retelling of KOTOR, with emphasis on the budding love between Bastila and Alex/Revan._**

**_It is well written, full of angst and romance, and very entertaining. Oh and it is also LSM Revan/Bastila, so probably not for all you dark side junkies._**

**_Anybody else should definitely read it._**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Peace out,_**

**_This chapter is set solely on Tatooine and corresponds with the hunt for the Krayt Dragon pearl and the end of Calo Nord._**

**_Most of it is set between, what we see in the game._**

**_Not more to say except:_**

**_Spoken words are indicated by ""_**

**_Most of the time thoughts are indicated by "" and written in cursive; except for the original scenes, there thoughts are written in cursive and bold, while the original dialogue is written in cursive._**

**Disclaimer: My feet smell strange and I definitely do not own Star Wars, KOTOR or any of its characters, all I own are my ideas in this story and I probably stole them from all over the place.**

**X**

****_!Updated! Added a few more sentences to some parts and improved (hopefully) the editing!_****

* * *

><p><strong>X<strong>

**You are my life, Bastila**

**X**

**Chapter 2**

**X**

**Tatooine, Krayt dragon's lair**

**X**

"Derek, Derek. Where are you? Answer me."

She turned around to Juhani and Canderous.

"I don't see him anywhere; the explosion must have sent him flying."

She realized this probably meant that he was really hurt and felt her heart tightening in her chest.

X

"Are you sure? My Helmets visor was malfunctioning after the flash of the grenades, but he's not that stupid that he wouldn't get away from an exploding mine."

Canderous voice sounded unaffected, almost indifferent.

Juhani's vibrant, feline voice answered before Bastila regained her composure enough to do it herself.

"The dragon hit one of the mines that for whatever reason, didn't explode. Sending it flying back to us. Derek used the force to push Bastila and me away, then the mine exploded."

She growled in repressed anger.

"I don't know if he had time to get clear as well."

Looking at the other female Jedi, the Cathar girl asked. "Can't you sense him, through your bond?"

Bastila felt a tight band of fear tightening inside her, her heart felt like it was almost bursting from the pressure.

"No!" She cried quietly, sounding desperate even to herself. "I can sense he is still alive, but he must be unconscious, because I can not feel much else."

X

X

After almost half an hour of searching in the searing heat, they found his lightsaber and both Juhani and Bastila, could feel a weak manipulation of the force.

As it turned out, Derek was using the force to keep a small airtunnel open. where he was buried under a dune close by. Thankfully the bond was able to lead her to his exact location, now that he was at least partially awake and nearby.

X

Frantically Bastila's hands shovelled away at the sand. Moments later Juhani started digging beside her.

Canderous was standing apart from, keeping an eye on Komad Fortuna and their surroundings. In his armour, he seemed unfazed, neither by the heat, nor the calamity, their companion was in.

X

When the two Jeids finally reached Derek's upper body, buried under almost a meter of sand, he'd already lost consciousness again. Bastila grabbed his torso under both arms and pulled with all her strength, yet to no avail.

Only when she boosted her strength with the force, she was more successful and able to slowly pull him out of the sandy avalanche.

He was so still, lying before her, a big bruise covering half his face and a shard buried into his right thigh.

He was pale under the twin sunned tan, except for the dark bruise. His handsome features contorted under the strain.

For one moment she feared they already were too late. Then she could see the slight movement of his chest, under the light armour.

Carefully she checked for further wounds, but found none except two pretty banged up rips.

Gently her fingers traced the shape of the bruise in his face, before her hand almost involuntarily ran through his short, dark hair.

X

Juhani crouched down beside her and reached out to touch Derek's face as well, her face full of worried care and… something more.

The young Cathar Jedi looked at Derek with an expression of longing, an emotion Bastila easily recognized, having seen it on her face sometimes, when she saw her reflection in a mirror or water, catching herself thinking of the former Sith-Lord.

Without a conscious decision she slapped Juhani's hand away.

The young Cathar stared at her, looking hurt and angry.

Instantly Bastila regretted her harsh action.

"S-sorry Juhani. I just… I-I n-need to do this alone. Please.

He… I… we are…" Words failed her; she was unable to express the muddle of emotions in her heart. "Please." Was all she finally said.

X

The catlike Jedi, searched her face, then slowly nodded.

"Okay." She conceded. "But don't think he belongs to you. You are not the only one who cares for him." She hissed.

"D-don't be ridiculous, I don't think he belongs to me. It's nothing like that. I-I'm just more suited to healing than you, that's all. No-nothing more."

Juhani laughed a sound that seemed to turn into a purr in the end.

"You tell yourself that, Bastila. I harbour no such illusions; I know what I'm beginning to feel for Derek."

She laughed again. "I think the open approach will help me."

Wiping her hand on her robes she got to her feet gracefully and walked back to Canderous, a satisfied cat-like grin on her face.

For a moment, Bastila wanted nothing more than beat that grin off her face, then she breathed deeply and let go of her anger.

This was not her usual self, why was it so hard for her to stay unattached in his presence?

She looked down at the man who stirred all these emotions in her. Just like at the time when they repaired his mind and woke the Derek Belarion persona, his handsome features looked relaxed and calm.

_"Why?"_ How could it be so easy for a former Sith to find inner peace and so hard for her?

X

Sighing, she took him in her arms again and pulling him up, so that his back was propped up on her body, she set on the task of healing his wounds.

She wasn't the best healer, but still she gathered her will and slowly send a force probe through his body, healing the damage in his body as best as she could. In the end she gave him a slight push through their force connection, hoping to wake him up.

It took some time until his eyelids started to flutter, then he jerked upright and spit out about a handful of sand and started coughing violently.

After he'd got his breath back he let his head sink against her again, and she cradled him, like before without even realizing it.

X

"Hi there, beautiful." he said weakly, but already with his usual mischievous smile on his face. "We have to stop meeting like this. People will talk."

"You moron! Must you always joke about everything?" she almost cried.

"I was so worried, because at first I couldn't find you, I thought you might be seriously hurt."

Rueful, he answered.

"Sorry, Princess. Believe me, it felt quite serious. But I'm sorry you were worried for me."

"I wasn't worried about you, but I don't know wether I can have the visions without you. That's what I'm worrying about."

He turned his head so that he could see her face. His eyes caught hers with a piercing gaze.

"Was that all you cared about?" His voice a mere whisper, but full of emotions.

His eyes seemed to bore right through her, she was unable to look away, as his gaze sliced a burning path straight to her heart

It began to beat furiously and a warm feeling spread through her body. Why should she fight this, when it felt this good?

Was she supposed to lie to him all the time? The truth was she couldn't imagine living without him any more.

X

"N-no, I… I thought I might lose you, that you could die before I found you. I was afraid; you would not look at me like this ever again…"

Her eyes filled with tears, no matter how much she fought them.

"D-Derek, I am afraid… I would not be able to go on without you. l… I need you at my side. And that frightens me even more.

His left hand moved to her face, catching her tears and wiping them away, before he caught her cheek. His eyes still looked at her, as if nothing else existed.

"I'll always be there Bas.' Nothing could keep me from you. I'd rather die than abandon you."

X

"No! Do not die! Never die! I will not allow you to."

She panicked at just the thought of losing him and cursed her weakness at the same time.

His hand started caressing her cheek.

"I'm not planning on it. I promise I won't leave you."

He reassured her.

She knew that it was in no ones power to keep a promise like that, nevertheless she felt safer with it.

_"He is Darth Revan. Without his injuries and the work of the council, he'd still be a murderous monster. How can I feel so strong for him?_

_Stronger than our teachings would ever allow?"_

X

"Give us a kiss, Princess?"

He asked in a bad imitation of a ruffian, interrupting her train of thought.

For a moment she was tempted very much to do so, wanted to know, if the kiss would be like how she fantasized about it.

She bent her head forward to his face, until her lips were just centimetres away from his.

Then duty won over want, and she merely grazed his brow with her lips.

"How about I will just continue to hold you for some time?"

He relaxed again against her, sinking into her warm embrace, and the feeling of her body against his back and her head rested on his shoulder, cheek against cheek.

"That's fine as well, Bas. But that doesn't mean I give up. I know you can't resist my winning personality forever." He smirked.

"You are unbelievable Derek."

She said, making sure to sound angry enough, even if her heart skipped a beat when she thought about his words.

Just where had her vaunted discipline gone to?

X

X

Half an hour later, Derek was back on his feet and working with some micro tools on his armour, trying to at least patch it up enough, that it would act as protection again.

The Twi-lek hunter Komad Fortuna had already left, after gifting Derek with one Krayt Dragon pearl.

Bastila watched the former "Sith Lord turned Jedi again" from a few paces away. He was concentrating on his work and made quick progress.

Yet at the same time he was having a casual conversation about the qualities of different types of mines with Canderous, already making jokes, about how some of them made Jedi fly. During the pauses in the conversation, he'd commed Carth and T3-M4 and checked if everything was okay at the Ebon Hawk.

She'd even heard him ask Mission, how Bastila's mother was holding up, obviously he'd given the young Twi'lek the task of keeping track of her.

X

Bastila felt a hint of anger at this; he was putting his nose into her personal problems again. She sighed resigned. He did mean well, even if she didn't ask for it.

It was just so hard for her to understand.

She couldn't help but treat others with reservation and so people experienced her as cold and uncaring.

All her teachings didn't help with this problem.

Yet Derek was a former Sith Lord and his charm still seemed to win everybody over.

People, herself included, opened up to him and told him about their worries and fears.

Not just his friends and companions on the Ebon Hawk, but complete strangers as well. Even her mother had turned to him for help.

And he promised to do it, even when Bastila couldn't bring herself to do it.

Just like he helped everybody, if it didn't involve any evil deeds.

People seemed to feel they could trust him, that he was somebody who would get out of his way to help them.

X

His conversation with Canderous ending, he was talking with Juhani now. The young Cathar Jedi hanging on his every word, watching him intently with her sparkling yellow eyes.

Bastila concentrated on her sense of hearing and listened to their conversation.

He was explaining the way he focussed on his positive emotions, to stop his anger from overtaking his reason and the Jedi Codex.

Yet besides the talking, Bastila could hear another sound, a low purr, emitted by the catlike Jedi.

The sound was almost hypnotic, awakening affection for the young Cathar Woman.

The reserved Jedi couldn't suppress the sharp sting of jealousy that ran through her.

True, Juhani had already faltered once, but she had no problem with the fact that she was feeling more than was appropriate for Derek-

X

Bastila forced herself to calm down, she tried to analyze her emotions for the forer Sith again.

She was worried, about him and for him. Worried that his old self might reawaken and the funny, gentle and caring person she learned to… respect might disappear.

Worried he might be hurt, by his much too bold actions.

Worried about the way she reacted to his gentle taunting and to the much more dangerous signs of his attraction to her.

And she was wondering about him as well.

Wondering if he was like Revan, before his fall and might be following the same dark temptations, that turned Revan from a promising, skilled Jedi Guardian to a ruthless Sith-Lord.

Wondering how strong his connection to the force, already almost frighteningly strong, would become.

But most of all she wondered, why he had been able to break through her carefully built shell of duty and dedication to the Codex so easily.

How he was able to sense the part of her that she'd suppressed so long, she almost believed it didn't exist.

How his smile and his warmth reached to the inner core of her being.

How he was able to see through all her masks.

X

At first she'd blamed it all on the involuntary connection she shared with him, since Revan's defeat. There might be some truth to that, but there was more.

They both seemed to complete each other, to become something more together than they were alone.

Was it really so wrong, that part of her wanted to be even closer to him? For a long time she'd denied her feelings, but it wasn't possible anymore.

She loved him, had probably already started to during his training in the Academy.

He'd proven time and again, that he had practically nothing in common with his former self. In all their adventures, even on Taris before he'd rescued her, then on Dantooine, Kashyyk and now Tatooine.

He was funny, brave, intelligent and compassionate. And Oh boy! was he goodlooking.

He was already so strong in the force that he surpassed all but the most experienced and powerful Jedi and his skill in wielding that strength improved in leaps and bounds.

And one look from his dark green eyes, one of these looks that reached deep inside her, made it clear that he felt the same love for her, she felt for him.

Obviously he wanted to act on his feelings and didn't see anything wrong with it.

Only her teachings and her willpower stopped her from giving in to his and hers, if she was honest, desire.

X

All this, fighting against her own wishes, the constant temptation she felt.

The immorality of what had been done to him.

Her own guilt about her part in it and the need to further lie to him.

All of it worked on her, grinding at her moral foundations.

If the Jedis chose ways like this, to reach their goals, if a feeling as pure and sweet and right as their feelings for each other, was wrong as far as the Jedi were concerned.

Then maybe the way of the Jedi was wrong.

She shirked back from this line of thought, frightened about the darkness in it.

X

X

Bastila was glad for the facemask she was wearing, not only did it enhance her sight and more, without having to resort to the force, but it had offered at least some protection against the unbelievable stench in the dragon's lair.

As if the dragon itself hadn't smelled bad enough, his waste products smelled a lot worse.

Still, they had found what they were after and Bastila felt… happy about it.

Even if she was undecided about giving it to her mother or keeping the holocron for herself.

X

Derek chose this moment to interrupt her thoughts, as if he wanted to make it easier for her.

He was on an emotional high again, like always when they'd found another map, another clue to their target.

"E chutta! What an interesting odour. I actually miss the underground of Taris; neither the Rakghoul, nor the Gamorrean's smelled as bad as this.

I wonder what Krayt Dragons eat to produce a smell that's so offensive."

Canderous laughed his hard laugh.

"They eat fools like you Jedis."

Derek gave him his lopsided grin.

"Well, then I'm almost sorry, we robbed the dragon his last chance for a meal.

Almost, because at least there was no really fresh… ehm… product to add to the rest."

X

He seemed to ponder something for a moment.

"I command that everyone has to take a shower, as soon as we are back, and don't stop before all traces of this stink are gone.

As commander of this ragtag band, I of course, get to go first…"

And looking at her with an exaggerated lewd look on his face.

Bastila, want to share the shower with me, to save time?"

"Certainly not."

His face fell into an equally exaggerated expression of defeat.

"You sure, Princess? It would have been so cosy."

Then his face lighted up again and he turned to Juhani.

"How about you, Juhani? Want to take Bastila's place?"

The young Cathar blushed furiously, so strong that even humans could recognize it. Before she could answer, Bastila interfered.

"No one is going to shower together. It's really not appropriate for a Jedi to be so frivolous or to fool around like this."

Derek's shoulders dropped and he let his head sink.

"Spoilsport."

Then, grinning at her once again.

"Jealousy your name is Bastila the Jedi Prodigy."

She huffed in embarrassement and aversion and hurried to walk a few steps ahead of him.

X

X

They were leaving the cave now, stepping from the musky shadows of the cave and into the glistening light of Tatooine's Twin Suns.

Their relaxed banter was interrupted, by an unexpected sight. A few gliders were positioned a short distance from the mouth of the cave.

Still sitting in them was a group of well-armed and dangerous looking ´Rodians and Trandoshan lead by someone familiar.

A well known and well hated voice called out to them.

X

_"Í have to give you credit, you've led me on quite a chase. But nobody get's away from Calo Nord in the end._

_You got lucky on Taris; the Sith attack saved you from a quick and gruesome death. But I promise you, the Sith won't get in my way this time."_

Calo Nord. Somehow he survived the hell on Taris and even found a gang to menace them again.

Letting his twin lightsabers slip into his hands, Derek replied calmly.

"And I thought it were the Krayt Dragon droppings, that were stinking up the whole place."

He laughed, then became serious. His voice still calm, but with hidden steel in it.

"You think I got lucky last time? Okay, let's try it again."

Nord commanded his goons.

"Let's go boys! Showtime!"

X

As usual Derek instantly charged forward, his two green blades springing into existence. In long leaps he raced across the ground between his group and Nord's bounty hunters.

Nord had brought eight aliens with him, yet since they all fired as fast as their blasters allowed, most of them using two weapons at once, they still let loose an awesome hail of energy bolts.

But each leap changed Derek's position randomly and the bolts that came near were blocked or reflected, with a quick and efficient grace that made it look easy.

Canderous ran to the left in a crouched posture, firing an impressive barrage of shots out of his repeating blaster.

Bastila and Juhani, despite their differences, moved in an almost scary consonance. Juhani's single blue blade and Bastila's double bladed yellow lightsaber deflected all the shots missing Derek that got close to the two female Jedis. While they both ran at a quick pace behind their fellow Jedi.

X

He had already covered most of the distance between him and the bounty hunters. The last 10-12 metres he crossed in one great jump.

Still in the air, his lightsabers swung inwards and down. Cutting off both arms of one of the trandoshans in one swoop.

Derek somersaulted to the right, extending his leg to let it smash down on the head of a rodian.

At the same time Canderous dropped the first of his targets, hitting him multiple times on limps and body.

Slowly advancing toward the male Jedi, Nord's quick shooting stopped his enemy in his tracks. Derek had to concentrate on deflecting his bolts instead of advancing towards his opponent.

X

Meanwhile Juhani and Bastila reached the battle. The Cathar Jedi crossed blades with two of the Trandoshans who'd chosen to stick their blaster pistols back into their holsters and instead wielded two heavy Vibroswords.

Bastila send two bounty hunters flying with a force push and dived forward into a roll, coming up in front of Derek.

She covered him from Nord's bolts with her own lightsaber, leaving him free to attack the famous bounty hunter.

The dark haired JedI Guardian leapt straight up, over Bastila and her twin blades, somersaulting forward at the apex of his jump perhaps five to six meters in the air.

He turned his green blades in his hands so that they now extended downward from his fists, while he was flying in a sharp arc above Nord's head.

The bounty hunter raised his blaster pistols to follow Derek's movement, always missing by just a few centimetres.

This provided Bastila the opportunity to close the gab between them.

X

Derek landed directly behind Nord, dropping to a crouch, instantly ramming his arms backwards and up. His lightsabers stabbed through both of the bounty hunter's knees from the back.

Nord dropped to his wounded knees and could only watch in horror, as the right blade of Bastila's lightsaber sliced through his neck, severing head from body.

And just like this the fight was over. Juhani had downed both her opponents and Canderous had killed the last enemy standing.

Taking slow, deep breaths, Derek tried to come down from the un-Jedi-like rush of the fight. He deactivated his lightsabers and clipped them back on his belt.

Looking up, he saw Bastila, watching him, a strange expression on her face. When she noticed he'd seen her, she smiled and held out her hand to help him on his feet.

X

"Thanks Bas." He said, not letting go of her hand.

"I wouldn't know for what you could thank me? Helping you stand up?"

"Of course not, although I appreciate that as well. No, for shielding me from Nord's attacks.

From this short distance, he'd pretty much pinned me down.

And your finishing blow came in handy as well."

"There is no need to thank me, Derek. I only did my duty to a fellow JedI."

Sobered, he let go of her hand, replying in a bitter voice.

"Yeah, duty! You're all about duty. Ain't you? Duty and the codex. The codex and duty. Fine!"

X

X

They both were interrupted when they heard new blaster shots.

Turning around, they saw Canderous shoot the rodian, who had been hit by Derek's boot, twice in the head.

Perfectly placid he walked over to the armless trandoshan and shot him as well, for good measure.

X

An Instant later Derek was at the warrior's side, taking the blaster from his hand and throwing it away.

"What in tarnation are you doing? Are you crazy?"

Canderous' hand shot forward, gripping Derek's throat.

"Are **you** crazy?" He asked, dangerously calm. "You don't touch me or my weapons."

Juhani ran over to them, lightsaber ignited, ready to attack the mercenary, but was stopped by Derek's hand signalling her to halt.

Bastila followed slower, noticing in horror, that Canderous had already killed the two bounty hunters, she'd knocked out earlier.

"Let go!"

Derek's voice was as cold as the void between the stars.

X

"Not before you understand…"

X

"Let. Me. Go! I said."

X

Canderous' loosened his grip.

"Fine."

X

Derek's green eyes seemed to have lost all of their warmth.

Bastila shuddered inwardly at the cold glare he emitted.

"Explain to me what you were doing? Because it sure looked like you were killing helpless men here."

Canderous was unimpressed.

"Every living enemy is a threat. I just made sure we didn't have to worry about them any more."  
>Derek seemed dangerously calm, but Bastila noticed a slight tremor in his right arm. Probably unnoticeable by anybody without the higher perception of a Jedi.<p>

"Look, Canderous. When you became part of our crew, you knew that I… that Bastila and I were leading this mission. No matter what I think, about what you did. And I think it's terrible. I understand your reasoning. From a cold-blooded, merciless and inhuman point of view. But you have to understand this. I will never, never allow you to kill helpless enemies again. You accept this or you leave instantly."

Canderous stared at him for quite some time, showing no emotion behind his helmet.

"Fine. Fine. It's your show. I'll do it like you want it, for now. Just don't ever touch me again, without permission."

Derek answered nothing; he just kept his cold eyes trained on the other man.

Then he extended his hand and Canderous' blaster pistol flew into his hand. Holding it at the barrel, he offered it to the soldier.

Canderous' took it, nodded and put it back in his holster.

The big man turned away and began to search the dead men's equipment.

"I'm already finished anyway!"

The Mandalorian snorted derisively.

Derek looked at his back, not moving. Not dignifying the mercenary's remark.

The cold anger was alreadygone from his face, replaced by… guilt?

X

Turning his eyes from the warrior, he looked at the dead around him.

When his eyes met hers, Bastila saw it clearly. He was feeling guilty.

He stood there, motionless, rigid, forlorn.

Part of her wanted nothing more than to go to him and ease his pain, but once more she recited the codex to herself and overcame the silly notion.

Obviously someone else thought different about it, because Juhani was approaching Derek carefully.

Placing her hand on his shoulders in a calming gesture, she asked sympathetically.

"Are you okay?"

He shook his head.

"No, not really. I know what kind of man Canderous is. He has his own kind of honour, but he is both merciless and ruthless.

Even though they were our enemies, I should have protected them.

If I hadn't been concentrating on myself that much, I could… could have…I-I…"

He stopped, a painful, long sigh escaping his lips.

Hesitatingly Juhani's hand reached out to him and caressed his face.

The dark haired Jedi eyed her curiously, but didn't shy away.

Encouraged by this, the Cathar stepped closer and pulled his head on her shoulder, embracing him gently.

Soon he relaxed his tense body a bit and hugged her back.

The Cathar felt shivers running down her back at his touch. She began to purr instinctively and let her head rest against his.

After one or two minutes he gently broke her embrace.

Smiling warmly at her, he simply said.

"Thank you."

She blushed, so strong once more that it was even visible through her fur and turned her face away from him.

"Y-you are welcome."

X

"Would it be possible for you two, to concentrate on getting back to the Ebon Hawk? We have what we came here for and personally I would rather leave this planet as soon as possible."

Bastila's face was as arrogant as ever and her voice cool and unattached, none of the envy she felt, was recognizable.

"We can go back to Mos Eisley to meet your mother, but we still have some tasks to do before we leave Tatooine."

Quietly the three Jedis followed the Mandalorian, who was already hotwiring one of the bounty hunter vehicles.

X

* * *

><p>X<p>

_**A.N. This chapter was slightly shorter, the next two will be longer again.**_

_**As always. The crappy editing isn't my fault, it's what the site turns my scripts into. I do my best to keep the stories still readable. Alone this chapter took ages to be fixed.**_

_**Please be so kind and review. I welcome every review, especially the negative ones. How am I suppossed to get better when no on tells me what I'm doing wrong?**_

_**Even flames are okay, I might lecture you on international trade agreements afterward, but I'll accept your flaming...**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's rantings:**_

**Again, lots of angst in this chapter. **

**I don't know, I always felt that there was something like a sibling relationship between Mission and Derek/Revan. At least that's the vibe I'm getting each time I'm playing KOTOR.**

**Plus, I think that it would be easier for him to talk with her about this than with anybody else.**

**_Please be so kind and review. I welcome every critic, especially the negative ones. How am I suppossed to get better when no on tells me what I'm doing wrong?_**

**_Even flames are okay, I might hunt you to death afterwards, but I'll accept your flaming..._**

**_Spoken words are indicated by ""_**

**_Most of the time thoughts are indicated by "" and written in cursive; except for the original scenes, there thoughts are written in cursive and bold, while the original dialogue is written in cursive._**

**Disclaimer: All work and no play makes birthofthecool a dull boy. And he still doesn't own Star Wars or KOTOR, doesn't even own one lousy, messy character, not even Carth.**

**X**

****_!Updated! Added a few more sentences to some parts and improved (hopefully) the editing!_****

* * *

><p><strong>X<strong>

**You are my life, Bastila**

**X**

**Chapter III.**

**X**

**The Ebon Hawk, engine room, shortly before the capture by the Leviathan.**

**X**

Two hours after what happened between Bastila and him in the women's quarters, Derek found himself with Mission in the engine room.

He'd headed there straight after Bastila had told him that she wouldn't give in to her feelings, headed there to cool off… or rather to have a childish fit, without anyone noticing.

He'd screamed and raged, beaten his fists at the wall in frustration, when his knuckles hurt and a bit of his tenseion was relieved he sat down and went into a short meditation.

Both ways helped to get a grip on himself again, he couldn't decide what helped more. Regardless, it wasn't enough anyway.

Half an hour of thinking the whole thing through again, helped him to make a decision.

And this decision was what was killing him now.

X

Mission had found him shortly after he'd come to his decision, instantly feeling his sadness and anger; seeing it instantly led to the decision to try to help her friend.

Sitting side by side on a compensator bank, they let their feet dangle, Their bodies vibrating slightly with the hum of the engine.

Mission had settled, resting her head on his shoulder and now startled him with her first question.

"I gather the big talk between you and Bastila didn't go well?"

X

Derek's eyes widened in surprise.

"Wha…? How do you… how do you know about this? What do you know about it?"

"Shh! Big man, no reason to bust a vein. C'mon, it's not like it is hard to tell, the way you are always fawning over her. Or constantly rile her. And she never let's her eyes off you for more than a very, very short time. Besides..."

She managed to look both proud and ashamed at the same time.

"... I sort of spied on you two for a moment."

And hurried to add.

"B-but I dind't stay long, when I realzed what it was about, I sneaked away."

"Uhh! Stang! Does anybody else know?"

Mission laughed.

"Your face! That's priceless! Ha ha h! Like a kid caught with his fingers in the cookie jar. Chill, Derek. I haven't told anybody. Zaalbar doesn't get the more "subtle" emotions of humans. Carth is a man, so he doesn't get anything. Jolee may know. I don't know if you've realized it, but the old geezer is pretty observant.

The droids don't get it and if they did, they wouldn't be interested. The same goes for Canderous. Juhani might know, but I think she'd rather not know and ignores the hints."

Derek sighed in relief.

"Great, than at least not everybody noticed. Wait… Why would Juhani not want to see what's… Oh. Oh! She… So she really is… you know…"

"…Interested in you, as well? I think so. She talks about you as if you are a god walking among us and I think it's more than just that she admires you, you know?."

Derek eyed the blue-skinned Twi-lek teen suspiciously.

"You know, Mission; forget about Jolee. YOU are awfully skilled in reading other people."

The girl laughed again.

"Well of course! I had to learn to judge people or know what they were after pretty fast. Besides, in my "profession" it is a must to be extremely good at the observation of others.

I **can** read people pretty well, that is except for my own brother."

She said, looking rather sullen suddenly, but just for a moment. Then she was her regular jolly self again.

X

X

Minutes later Derek was in the midst of a supposed explanation.

"The Codex doesn't allow it. Jedis are not allowed to love this way. It's like… we are supposed to love everybody and we act to help everybody. As far as I understand it, loving someone in an… romantic way, would lead you to concentrate too much love on one person, leading to you neglecting the love and care for everybody else."

Mission sighed and squeezed the hand of the man who'd become her surrogate brother, when her real one failed miserably.

"That's bull, Derek. You two are totally mad for each other. Sometimes you can see how painful it is for you to keep apart.

I understand, or at least understand a little, that a Jedi might want to avoid to fall for someone this way, but when it's already happened, what use has denying it?

It just leads to you two hurting like hell.

Don't let this stupid codex ruin what you two could have."

X

Derek laughed without any joy in it.

"Grog the damn codex! I couldn't care less about it now. **I** know our love would not weaken, but strengthen us.

It's Bastila. She tried, but I think failing in this, would mean failing as a Jedi for her, as well.

And failing as a Jedi would destroy her.

I'm still angry at her for being this stubborn, but she's hurting so much already.

I have to stop fighting against her resolve."

His face was stricken with loss.

"I may have to give her up completely. She might be strong enoughto be near me and not succumb to our feelings, I sure don't.

If she's not able to change her mind, we'll have to part someday soon. "

Mission was shocked.

"But what about stopping the Sith? Don't you two need to work together?"

"We may part after we've completed our mission, that's what I meant."

"If we succeed you mean? And if we survive."

He knocked softly on her forehead with the knuckles of his right hand.

"Don't be foolish, Mission. Of course we'll survive and you'll become the greatest scoundrel in the galaxy. You don't think Zaalbar and I'd let anyone hurt our little sis'?"

X

For a moment they laughed, but it was just a temporary respite, soon Derek was brooding again,

The blue-skinned Twi-lek adolescent sighed again, before she put her arms around Derek's body.

"I believe you'll find a way to help Bastila and to be happy together.

You've never failed at any problem that appeared before us and found ways to help us all and make our lives better."

"Sure."

He said, sounding totally convinced, yet inside him, he whispered to himself.

_"Everybody has to fail for the first time, some time! Even I. Especially I."_

X

He tried to focus on the good things. The friends he found in the last months. The great things they'd been able to do together.

The feeling of satisfaction and peace, when he was able to help somebody.

But beyond all this. All he could think of was beautiful young woman with silken, brown hair and a beautiful face.

Cute dimples that only showed when she smiled or laughed, one of the reasons he loved to make her do either.

Her fit and slender form, her strength.

The goodness in her heart. The lonely child, which was buried deep inside her.

He was proud she'd allowed him to see it a few times.

He wished to hold her, touch her, to kiss her. He wanted to make her scream his name in lust.

To wake up in the morning in her arms.

Chances for any of this to happen, didn't exist anymore.

For her sake, he had to sacrifice his love.

But, why then did this feel so wrong and their kiss had felt so right?

X

* * *

><p><strong>X<strong>

**Onboard the Leviathan, a short time after the party escaped**

**X**

„Are you all right, Bastila?"

She stopped buttoning up her shirt and looked at him in mild surprise.

„Why do you ask? We did not run into any trouble."

„N-no I mean because of… because of what happened earlier.

Y-you don't feel any… negative effect or pain?"

She shook her head and looked down, continuing to dress.

„Do not be silly. Karath tortured you longer than me. Besides I have already told you, you did the right thing."

_„Yeah."_ He thought. _„Just that it doesn't help a bit and that I still can hear you scream inside my head."_

X

Outward he simply nodded and started to turn away, when a small hand on his arm held him back.

„Don't." She said softly. „Don't feel guilty. I… I won't lie to you and say it doesn't matter, but you really did what was right."

Slowly, as if afraid that she might shirk back he caressed her cheek.

A warm shiver run down his spine, when she caught his hand in hers and pressed it against her face.

„W-we shouldn't… this has to be all…"

He nodded and moved his body closer to her.

„You are right."

His left hand wandered to the small of her back, pulling her closer to him.

„Yes… I told you that I don't… want to…"

„Yes."

Slowly their heads moved closer together.

„It's wrong for us to…"

„Yes."

Their lips were only centimetres apart.

„Really… we should st…mmmh."

They kissed again, it was every bit as great their kiss in the crew quarters of the Ebon Hawk.

Just as sweet, but way less awkward.

X

Derek's right hand was buried in the silken hair on the back of Bastila's head, drawing her deeper into the kiss.

She moved her body against his, wrapping both arms around him, sighing softly in his mouth.

Sensing the chance, he pushed his tongue into her mouth, caressing her tongue.

Bastila went rigid in his arms for a moment, but then she seemed to melt against him, her arms in his neck trying to strengthen their kiss.

Her tongue slipped into his mouth in response to his.

When they broke their kiss to gasp for air, she whispered "Derek." against his lips, her voice filled with emotion and pleasure.

They kissed again, even more passionate, their tongues dancing around each other, exploring each others mouth.

Derek waited until her tongue moved into his mouth once more and then sucked gently on the wet muscle.

His action was rwarded by another moan from Bastila.

He closed his eyes and lost himself in her touch, in her taste.

X

The sound of his communicator interrupted them after what seemed like the blink of an eye and an eternity at the same time.

It was Carth. Of course.

„How much longer will it take? This is getting riskier by the moment."

Frustrated he responded, trying to suppress the panting from lack of air…

„We're almost finished, just a little more patience, please."

He put the com away and turned back to Bastila. Only to find, that she'd already finished dressing and moved away from him.

One look at her, made it clear to him that the moment was over.

Still he couldn't let it go, as if it never happened

"Bastila. Please don't act like it..."

Her face was a calm mask again and she refused to let their eyes meet, when she answered bitterly.

"I'm not acting like anything, Derek. Nothing has changed. What I told you yesterday still stands.

I curse myself for giving in to my weakness again."

Strangely enough, his guilt was even higher than before, after that kiss and her reaction.

He didn't know, wether it was because she still cared for him that much, or because he was now feeling guilty for forcing her into the kiss as well.

**X**

**Leviathan, a short time later. On the way to the bridge.**

**X**

„_There was a moment - just a moment - when part of me was hoping you would tell him what he wanted to know. Just to make the horrible pain stop."_

Just to make the horrible pain stop… That was what she'd said.

„…_Make the pain stop!" _

But he didn't did he? He let the woman he loved be tortured before his eyes.

„…_you did the right thing."_

That she told him that, made it even worse.

How could it have been the right thing? It was all in vain, the academy had already been destroyed.

„_I don't honestly know if I could be as strong in your position. To watch you suffer like that... it might have been too much for me to bear."_

To summarize this:

She had hoped he would help her.

She still thought he was right, even though she suffered.

She thought she might not be able to do the same, if he was the victim.

Of course not. No one in his right mind would have let…

X

Damn it! To hell with that damnable Sithspawn Karath! He and his Master deserved more than death. **They** deserved the torture.

The two of them and every single one of their armoured bootlickers.

X

A group of guards were posted around the next corner, in front of a door.

Derek used the Force to increase his speed and charged at the guards.

Before he reached the first one, he dropped down on his back and skidded over the deck past him.

He activated the lightsaber in his left hand and cut away the soldiers legs in passing.

The second blade caught a blow by another guard, while Derek pushed his feet against the ground with a force boost, going into an inverted somersault.

He landed between the two last guards, and shoved his hands against their chests, delivering two force-strengthened punches, that smashed in their breastplates and slammed them against the wall. So hard, that they landed on the floor in a in a broken mess.

Instantly he turned around, to face the last standing soldier.

Using the spin motion, he sliced of the hand holding the Vibroblade.

Smiling in a hateful grin, he rammed the second green lightsaber straight through the soldiers chromed faceplate.

It had taken all of two seconds to dispose of the four guards.

X

The door the soldiers had guarded was locked and Derek had to deactivate his Lightsabers to work on the keypad.

When he succeeded in opening the lock, he already heard Bastila and Carth running down the corridor behind him.

Quickly he opened the door and stepped through into a room filled with a small group of Sith soldiers and one Sith plus his two apprentices.

The six soldiers sat at a small metallic table, three on each side, while the three Sith stood before them, the apprentices flanking their master.

It seemed to have been some sort of conference, not that he cared in the slightest.

All he cared about was to kill as many of the Sith as possible to cool the searing guilt he felt in his heart.

X

He cut down the first soldier with a quick high blow, slicing his body almost in two, before the Sith even started moving.

Pivoting around himself, he choped off the head of the Sith sitting beside his first victim.

Following that, he kicked the third soldier in the back of his helmet, so that his head collided with the table surface.

„…_part of me was hoping you would tell him what he wanted to know. Just to make the horrible pain stop."_

He thrust his sword through the man's chest, to make sure he was out of the fight

X

Somersaulting forward over the table, he slashed left and right mid-jump cutting down two more opponents.

The last guard managed to draw his blaster pistol halfway, before both blades bit deep into his body.

Now all that was left were the three Sith.

X

They had all ignited their red blades, the master sporting both a short and a long blade, and watched him cautiously. They moved further apart, to force him to choose, who to face.

Yet the usual Sith impatience and battlethirst led one of the apprentices to start the fight with a weak force-lightning attack.

Derek deflected it into the ground without much effort and went into the offensive by throwing his left lightsaber activated at the apprentice's head.

The Sith managed to deflect it, but was caught surprised when Derek already flew across the room towards him, just behind his blade.

The Jedi sailed through the air horizontally, spinning around itself aided by the force and with the power gained by the movement he brought his right blade down against the Sith's lightsaber. The dark force user barely manaed to ward off the blow.

Gracefully landing on his feet again, he caught his second weapon, while he deflected the clumsy counter-attack by the apprentice, before kicking him in the head using the opening the failed attack had created.

The apprentice stumbled back and to the side, unable to raise his lightsaber fast enough to stop Derek's follow-up attack, both Blades cutting deep into his body, one from each side.

Almost meeting in the middle.

„…_you did the right thing."_

Seeing their comrade cut down, both Master and second apprentice attacked him simultaneously now.

X

A fast combination with both blades, followed by a kick, forced the Sith-Master back, then Derek caught the apprentice's lightsaber with both of his own.

He pushed down and to the right, until the lightsabers pointed to the ground and he stood mere centimetres apart from his opponent.

Then he crashed his forehead into the Sith's face as strong as possible and was glad to hear a disgusting, crunching sound.

The force warned him with fractions of a second to spare, of the impending attack by the Sith-Master.

Dropping to his knees, he let go of both of his lightsabers, while the Sith was already to far gone, to stop his thrust.

Derek seized his arm, beyond his blade with both hands and pulled the enemy further forward, until the Master's lightsaber went straight through the apprentice's body.

Derek continued to pull and threw the Sith over his shoulder.

X

His opponent slammed into his dying pupil, but managed to land on his feet and turned around instantly to face him again.

The dark haired Jedi jumped to his feet, picked up his lightsabers with the help of the Force and began to press the Sith back step by step.

He was a far better swordsman than his enemy and used the small advantage he had, because one of his blades was longer than the Sith's, to the best effect.

Continuing until the other was almost with his back to the wall and covered from head to feet with small cuts and burns.

The Sith grew desperate and started frantic attempts to get out of the entrapment, but Derek's two green blades blocked all exits.

Finally he had enough of this game and when the Sith's short blade trusted forward once more, he diverted it with his right lightsaber, following up with his left and cutting off both hand and weapon.

„…_watch you suffer like that... it might have been too much for me to bear."_

Before the Sith could bring his second blade down Derek smashed his left shoulder into the other, sending him back against the wall.

Then he let his left blade drop, seized his opponent by the head and pulled down, while he smashed his right knee upwards in the others face. The Sith tumbled in pain for a moment and Derek quickly stabbed him through the heart.

„…_part of me was hoping you would tell him what he wanted to know. Just to make the horrible pain stop."_

Somehow he felt, he still had let the son of a bitch off too easily.

X

X

He picked up the dropped lightsaber and attached both on his weapons belt again.

going into a crouch beside the next enemy, he checked the Siths for key cards and useful items.

The door he came through opened and Carth appeared in the room.

He took in the carnage in the room, with a shocked expression.

„Wow, you're sure not messing around today. Nine Sith in less than one minute? Impressive…"

Derek didn't answer, just stared at him angrily.

„Where's Bastila?"

He asked, noticing that the brown-haired Jedi didn't follow Carth.

„She's dealing with two security droids and sent me to look after you."

Again he looked at the bodies.

„Not that you'd need it. But she was worried about you."

Startled at this Derek decided to join the woman he was in love with again, but before he could even voice his decision, a door on the other end of the room opened and five Sith Guards came through, barrels already blasting.

X

Carth threw himself on the ground and pulled both of his blaster pistols, instantly starting to fire at the attackers.

Derek dropped down on one knee and drew his own blaster.

He and Carth quickly hit three of the guards, but more were following.

The Jedi concentrated his will on the metal table.

The heavy piece of furniture broke from it's moorings on the floor and slammed into the Sith troopers, smashing them against the wall.

Then it started to move away, only to slam into them again with the same force, once, twice, three times.

„…_you did the right thing."_

„_watch you suffer like that... it might have been too much for me to bear."_

_X_

Then Carth's exasperated voice could be heard the noise.

„I think they've got enough, Derek. They are probably dead now anyway."

Derek eyed him with a wild glance, but let the table out of his force control, so that it crashed to the ground.

„I just want to be sure, they don't come to, before we're gone from this flea ridden excuse for a ship."

„Yes, of course, Jedi. You tell yourself that."

The Republican soldier answered, more calmly. Only to become the focus of Derek's anger.

„What? Do you want to tell me something, Carth?"

The older man couldn't help, but feel intimidated by his companion.

Something seemed to have thrown his friend completely off balance.

Considering the power the young Jedi seemed to possess, earning his ire, when he was in such a state, wouldn't be the best idea.

But letting him act on negative impulses and anger wouldn't do either.

As far as Carth knew, this could be pretty dangerous for Jedis.

He holstered his blasters, walked to Derek's side and laid a hopefully, calming hand on his shoulder.

„Look Derek. I know why you're so upset, I think.

But you did what was right; they would have tortured her anyway.

And you'd have betrayed the order."

The younger man's piercing green eyes, bore into his again.

„Betray the order, Carth? Why would you care about that?

You don't seem to care much about anything except getting revenge on Karath and Malak.

Really! That's rich coming from you."

„This isn't about me. It's about you and **you** wouldn't have wanted to betray them.

Bastila wouldn't have wanted you to and she told you that. "

Derek slapped his hand away and pushed him back forcefully.

„But it was all for nothing! The academy was already destroyed.

I let her suffer without reason!"

He screamed and slammed his fist into the wall.

X

Carth quickly recovered from the push and tried once again to calm his friend down.

„If you really think so, then what can you do about it?

Nothing! All you can do is do better for her in the future and help us all to get safe and sound from this ship.

Because believe me, the Leviathan is not a place we like to stay on any longer."

Derek shook his head, he wasn't ready to let go of his anger just now.

„Piss of Carth! I don't need you to lecture me."

Carth felt his temper rise as well.

„I think you do, buddy! You really do. You think throwing a tantrum is gonna help any?

What if she get's captured again because you choose to kill as many Sith as possible, instead of doing your job?"

Without thinking Derek began to walk up to his friend, his hands tightening into fists.

„And now what? You're going to kick my ass, because I'm telling you something you don't like?

Derek, come on! Snap out of it. This isn't like you.

Look around you. Look at this. Even when you are mad, you're never unfair or brutal.

You never let anger take control of you.

And now you're ready to attack a friend? Just because I tell you something, you don't want to hear."

X

The Jedi was stopped dead in his tracks.

He didn't want to hear it, but Carth was right nonetheless.

He just didn't want to let go of his rage, because then he wouldn't have to think of his guilt.

Closing his eyes, he began to recite the Jedi Codex

**XXX**

**„_There is no emotion, there is peace._**

**_There is no ignorance, there is knowledge._**

**_There is no passion, there is serenity._**

**_There is no chaos, there is harmony._**

**_There is no death, there is the Force._"**

**XXX**

Breathing in and out deeply, he finally managed to let his anger dissolve.

„Sorry Carth… And thanks! I think, I really needed that kind of pep talk."

„S'no problem, Derek. That what friends are for. But you were cutting it awfully close with cooling down, you know?"

Derek grinned foolishly and blushed a bit, his hand stroking over the short hair on the back of his head and over his neck.

„Okay… It won't happen again… Come on, we need to collect Bastila and hurry on up to the bridge."

X

* * *

><p><strong>X<strong>

**On board the Ebon Hawk, hyperspace, directly after the escape from the Leviathan**

**X**

„_I don't believe it. The nerve of this guy. Bastila is in Malak's hands and he starts a frakkin' court case about my identity."_

He paced back and forth through the engine room, waving his hands around madly.

He knew he was throwing a fit, but he felt just like doing this. This time he wasn't frustrated, this time he really was mad with rage.

„_So! Okay, I was Darth Revan, but I'm not anymore! I've never given him any reason to doubt me. I've sacrificed so much for this mission and now I may have lost the woman I love."_

Oh. That wasn't a good idea. Thinking about her, brought back the pain.

He fell to his knees and slumped down.

Her name rang around and around in his head.

„Bastila!"

„Bastila."

He repeated it again and again.

Quieter each time, until he only mouthed her name silently.

He buried his face in his hands picturing her countenance before his inner eye.

Her beautiful blue-grey eyes, her cute little nose. These lips, which had tasted so sweet on his.

Her silken, brown hair. The delicate cut of her jawbone. The perfectly shaped ears.

He painfully remembered each beloved detail about her.

Each treasured memory.

The Tatooine sun on her face, a glimpse of her slim body covered in sweat in the humility of Kashyyk's Shadow lands, he'd caught one evening.

The way she laughed, always as if she wasn't sure she was allowed to.

Her eyes meeting his.

Her smooth voice, that could sound so arrogant, but so warm as well.

The way she pronounced each word precisely.

All these little things that formed his picture of her. All that he loved.

X

If only he could save her, before Malak could hurt her.

If only…

He let out a long, painful sigh.

And was interrupted by the sound of the engine room's door sliding open.

He raised his head wearily, even the small movement felt like an effort.

„Mission, hi."

The young Twi-lek's watched him concerned.

„Derek, you look like crap."

He laughed without joy.

„Thank you for the compliment. Be assured, I not only look like, but feel like and am - crap."

„Bantha poodoo! You are just sad. Nothing more."  
>He shook his head.<p>

„No, believe me, Mission. It's all my fault. It must be. I turned her life into chaos. I hunted her with my unwanted affection.

It was like a sport to me, to make her doubt her beliefs and turn her mind into turmoil."

Mission walked to him and knelt beside him, catching her friend in a hug.

„Please, don't do that, Derek. It's not helping her and you just hurt yourself. Here in this same place, on our way from Tatooine, you told me you would deny your own feelings for her sake. You were ready to quit on your love, to spare her further hurt."

He shook his head again, she didn't get it.

For all her intelligence and the sibling like love they felt for each other… She couldn't understand, had no experience in these matters.

„You don't understand. The damage had been done already, why else would she face Malak for my sake."

The girl began to ruffle his short hair, trying to comfort the man she looked up to and loved like an elder brother.

„Because she loves you, dummy. But that is neither your fault nor hers.

Besides she knew you are the only hope we have to stop the Sith Conquest."

Again he laughed bitterly.

„Some hope I am. Couldn't even protect her.

I was the one who started the whole thing, remember? I am Revan!"

X

Mission let go of him and angry about his self pity and self loathing, she slapped him hard across his cheek.

He looked at her utterly astonished. His hand going to his cheek, to check if it had really happened.

She looked at her hand, as if she herself couldn't believe she'd just done that.

Derek laughed once more. Really laughing this time.

He shook his head again, this time to clear it-

„Thanks Mission! This was well deserved. Nothing better to set one's head straight sometimes than a shock. "

He stood up and went to sit on his usual place on the transponder bank.

Mission joined him a few moments later.

„Move it, big guy! I want to sit here as well."

He shuffled to the side.

„Heh! This should have been more than enough room for you. Is your blue behind getting bigger?"

An elbow to his rips was all the answer he got.

When she'd settled next to him, he hugged her with his right arm.

„Thanks again, kiddo. You know I love them all, even Carth and Jolee and Canderou… well, maybe not Canderous, but I respect him, really.

But still, it seems that you, Zaalbar and M3-T4 are the ones I can talk with, when I have problems.

Zaalbar and T3 don't do much but listen and you always manage to cheer me up."

„So?"

„I just wanted to thank you, it may be strange, that I choose you to confide in, but you know how close we are and you at least always have my back"

The girl snuggled herself in his arm.

„I'm glad, you feel this way. You know Big Z and I like you a lot, too."

Derek nodded, and wondered how the former Sith-Lord was best friends with a teenage Twi-lek thief and a giant Wookie now.

But there was something else he wanted to talk about with her.

X

"Mission, I was wondering, when this is all over, assuming we survive of course.

We won't all be together forever. I guess Canderous will return to the Mandalorians.

Carth will get his son and will probably become captain of his own ship soon.

Juhani will be needed to restore the order, provided she accepts he fact, that she already is a knight.

And you know that Zaalbar will eventually have to return to his tribe. He's their chieftain after all.

You might want to go with him, but if you don't want to…

I mean I don't know where the force or the order might lead me, but you're welcome to stay with me and the droids on the Ebon Hawk."

Mission was quiet for a while, then she wrapped her arms around him and he realized she was crying.

„I-I'm sorry, Mission! I'm sure Zaalbar will be more than happy, if you come with him. I-I just thought Kashyyk might be boring for you, after a while."

„No-no it's not that. I'm j-just hap-p-py that you want me around. I… why would you…"

He gently caressed her cheeks, wiping away the tears with a handkerchief, before he passed it to her, so she could sneeze.

„Of course I'd like you to stay with me. You are part of my family.

You know, I always wanted a little sister?"

Mission sneezed loudly and hit him again with an elbow to his ribs.

„Ow! What are you doing this for?"

„Because you are mean, to be so nice me. Stang! Now I'm bawling like a baby."

„Sorry, pateesa!"

X

After a while she calmed down and grinned at him.

„It's settled then. When we've seen Zaalbar off to his tribe, you, me and Bastila stick together."

Derek smiled back at her. She seemed certain, that they'd be able to safe Bastila and her optimism was catching on.

„Sure, Mission! You, me and Bastila and the droids, making the galaxy safer for the common people."

X

* * *

><p><em><strong>X<strong>_

_**A.N: Okay, I guess Derek's actions on board the Leviathan might've given him a few dark side points. **_

_**But to be honest, that's exactly how I reacted to the whole torture scene and that it in fact didn't matter, because the academy was already destroyed.**_

_**I tend to get quite involved in the games, so I thought I'd keep this in my story.**_

_**SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE! PLEASE REVIEW! EVEN IF IT'S ONLY ONE OR TWO SENTENCES. REVIEWS ARE THE THING THAT THAT KEEP US WRITING!**_


	4. Chapter 4 & Epilogue

_**Author's rantings:**_

_**Here it is already the last chapter... for now.**_

_**Actually I'm planning a follow up to this story, but I've to play through KOTOR II once more. My Memory of this game isn't the best.**_

_**Reason for this is, that mynext KOTOR story will probably depict the return of Derek/Revan and Rhee Annon/ The Exile to the republic and their respective partners.**_

_**Until then:**_

_**Please be so kind and review. I welcome every review, especially constructive criticism. How am I suppossed to get better when no on tells me what I'm doing wrong?**_

_**Even flames are okay, I might catch you and roast you over a small fire afterwards, but I'll accept your flaming...**_

_**Spoken words are indicated by ""**_

_**Most of the time thoughts are indicated by "" and written in cursive; except for the original scenes, there thoughts are written in cursive and bold, while the original dialogue is written in cursive.**_

**Disclaimer: Some of us are very, very tired and for ... sake I still don't own neither Star Wars nor KOTOR, nor any of the fabulous characters... C'mon people can't you get it through your head?**

**X**

****_!Updated! Added a few more sentences to some parts and a whole new short scene at the start. Plus I improved (hopefully) the editing!_****

* * *

><p><strong>X<strong>

**X**

**You are my life, Bastila**

**X**

**Chapter IV.**

**X**

**Rakata, Summit of the temple of the ancients.**** Directly after Bastila's flight.**

**X**

**X**

Derek and his two fellow Jedi slowly walked back to the entrance to the inside of the temple.

Derek felt like he was under drugs or stunned. He listened inside himself, but there was nothing. Nothing.

Was he not supposed to feel something? Shouldn't he be angry and hurt about what had transpired?

His thoughts were interrupted, as Juhani blocked his path. Her uneasy and rigid posture seemed to imply, that she had something unpleasant on her mind.

He watched her worriedly. Please not another problem.

She seemed to gather his will and began to speak.

_"This may be the last time I will have a chance to talk to you…_

_I just want you to know that I... that I..."_

Derek shifted uneasily, he wasn't so sure what Juhani was going at.

_"Yes?"_

Juhani also had a hard time continuing.

_"I... I... I care for you. I do not know why. I do not know if anything will be possible or if you even return what I feel, but I do know it is there._

_I am sorry if this upsets you. I am so sorry if I am wrong, but I can't deny what it is that I feel."_

Oh! By the force! Mission had warned him about that.

_"Are you sure this is the time for this?"_

For a moment, she looked hurt, but then she answered.

_"Now that I have put myself in this position, I know not what to say."_

This was becoming more and more awkward and he really didn't feel up to it.

"_You do not have to say anything."_

The young Cathar's golden eyes bore into his, totally concentrating on him.

"_Yes. Thank you." _She whispered.

„This might not be the time for this, b-but I… I"

X

Suddenly she moved her body up against his, her lips kissing him hungrily.

Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck and she began to nipple at his lips with her sharp teeth.

Instinctively he reacted to the feeling of her warmth against his, the taste of her lips.

His hands wandered to her waist and his tongue trailed along her lips to seek entrance.

Juhani reacted with a cute little moan and opened her mouth to him.

She tasted sweet, with a touch of bitterness. Her clean, catlike smell filled his nostrils and he could feel her firm body against his.

Juhani began to emit a deep purring sound, which sounded oh so inviting…

No. No. NONONONO! This was wrong. Totally wrong.

He gently, but with enough force, pushed her away from him.

„No, Juhani! No!"

She looked at him with disappointment in her eyes and tried to move closer to him again. Growling, when he held her at arms length.

„Juhani! You know… you must know how I feel for Bastila. I'm sorry I didn't stop you instantly, but this is really wrong."

She hissed back frustrated.

„But Derek, she's gone. For good. She's so far gone, she won't come back from the Dark Side. And I'm here! And I… I… I just told you how I feel."

Now **he** stared at her, her words had hit like a brick. He stumbled a few feet backwards, almost falling down.

„You… you don't know her." He choked, forcing each word out of his throat.

„Not like I do. She'll… She'll come back. Malak couldn't… he can't turn her completely…"

Now his words sounded like a plea.

„You know her Juhani. You know that she's good and caring. She belongs to the light, side not the dark. It's not her fault, that this has happened to her. It's my fault. Mine alone!"

Realization dawned in the Cathar Jedi's eyes, followed by immense shame.

„B-by the force, Derek! I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry! Sorry for acting like this. It was despicable. „

She turned around and started to run to the entrance.

Derek called her back, suddenly woken from his daze because of the misery she emanated.

„Juhani, don't run away. Let's talk about this."

The Cathar stopped, but shook her head.

X

Derek followed her and gently turned her around to face him.

„I'm not angry because of what you did. You didn't force me to kiss you back.

I was weak… I admit it was comforting… Still I shouldn't have…"

He was fumbling for words. He wanted to help Juhani regain her peace, but at the same time make it clear

that nothing like this was possible.

"I'm honoured that you feel this way about me. You are sweet and brave and very beautiful, Juhani.

And I like and admire you very much, but I'm already in love.

I love Bastila, Juhani; and I could never abandon her, no matter what. So please accept this and let us continue to be friends, 'kay?"

The golden eyed beauty shed a few tears, but nodded."

"Th-thank you. Thank you, Derek, for being so understanding.

I really shouldn't have done this. I feel ashamed…"

She paused and then continued.

"I would very much like to stay friends and I promise I won't bother you again, with my feelings."

She sounded so miserable and reminded him somehow of a wet kitten.

"You never bother me, Juhani. I'm just… look, I'm sure you are not really in love with me."

She shook her head wildly, but said nothing.

Derek gently hugged her, still trying to find a way to ease her pain.

"I know you are grateful to me. You admire me and respect me. And I'm sure we love each other like good friends do, Juhani.

It is natural for somebody who had to endure so many hardships in his life, to mistake this feeling for something deeper.

If you think about it, there might even be someone else you care for? Someone you know from the academy days?"

He looked at her and the young Cathar left a much better impression now.

Derek did not want to say anything more, but he was sure that Juhani had been in love with Belaya and perhaps still was, without realizing it. Yet, seeing how Belaya might have been a victim of the academy's destruction, it made no sense to press the issue.

"Are you feeling better?"

She nodded quietly, her head still held low.

"Then let's go join Jolee, before he worries too much."

The two Jedis followed their older companion, both deeply lost in their own thoughts.

After he had settled things with Juhani, well at least sort of settled, Derek's own worries seemed to swallow him again.

* * *

><p>X<p>

X

**Ebon Hawk, Rakata, directly after returning from the fight with Bastila atop the temple of the ancients and Juhani's confession.**

**X**

**X**

He set on his bed in the male quarters, to numb to think, to numb to cry.

The confrontation on the temple's summit kept replaying before his eyes.

Bastila's pale complexion, the sickening, glowing eyes. The hatred in her voice.

He tried to rationalize it, tried to find a positive angle.

X

She'd tried to win him over, that could mean she still cared for him.

Yeah, sure that was why she let Malak… do whatever he did.

Was she really to far gone, for him to reach her?

Had he lost her for good? Like Juhani thought?

He practically flew of his cod, and called his weapon's belt in his hand. Then he stormed out of the room.

X

It took five minutes to find Juhani and get her to agree to a training duel.

The young Cathar eyed him cautiously; she could certainly feel the stress he was emitting.

And she still did not feel that comfortable around him, after what had happened.

„Derek, perhaps it would be better, we wait until you've calmed down a bit more."

„What? You are always riling me for more training and now I even suggest it myself and you don't want to?"

„No, no, no! It's not that I don't want to spar with you, it's just that you seem to be wound up so tight, just now."

He smiled at her with a sarcastic grin on his lips.

„There's nothing better than a little bit of sparing, to ease the tension."

X

He ignited his bright orange Lightsaber and jumped to attack the young Cathar in one smooth motion.

Juhani's yellow blade sprung into existence and came up, to intercept his blow.

That left her midsection open, so he pivoted on his left leg and kicked her into the stomach.

She doubled over, yelping in pain.

Before Derek could use this opening, she weaved a defensive net before her, while clutching her body with her left.

He jumped back, before he instantly went into a quick combination of blows, ending with a two-handed strike from above.

Juhani managed to stop his blade with hers, but her knees gave a little.

Seeing that, he let blow after blow rain down on her lightsaber, forcing her down on one knee, bit for bit.

X

Quickly he reversed his attack, hitting her blade from below, swatting it aside; he kicked her in the chest, hard enough to throw her backwards.

Fractions of a second later he was beside her, his lightsaber pointing to her throat.

The young Cathar was lying on her back, with a pained expression on her face, both her arms protectively wrapped around her chest.

Remorse filled him, at that sight. He deactivated his lightsaber and knelt beside his friend.

„Juhani! I'm sorry! Are you okay?"

She nodded, seemingly still out of breath.

„Wait! Let me check, if I hurt you."

She looked in his eyes and was relieved that the anger was replaced by guilt and compassion.

Upon seeing this, she nodded in silence once more and slowly removed her arms from chest. Derek laid his right hand on her chest, above her breasts and concentrated on the force to check if anything in Juhani's body wasn't in order.

He drew in a sharp breath, as he realized, that he'd broken two of her ribs. He didn't mean to hit her that hard, but obviously he had.

All just because he couldn't keep his temper in control.

„This will take a moment, Juhani. Two of your ribs are broken.

Just relax and I'll try to fix it."

He gathered his will and send a probe out into her chest and began to knit her bones together with the Force. It was an exertion, because basically he even needed to influence the molecules in her bones to mend, heal and connect again.

Sweat had collected on his brow, when he was finally finished and he felt strained.

„How is it? Is it better?"

Juhani tentatively took a few deep breaths and when nothing happened, she lifted her body from the floor.

„Yes, thanks. It just feels a little bit stiff, but otherwise it seems fine."

He stood up, feeling relieved and reached out to her with his right to help her on her feet.

„Don't thank me, it's my fault after all.

I'm really sorry, I'm so frustrated, I've trouble controlling myself, but this is no excuse for hurting you."

She smiled and answered him quietly.

„I accept your apologies. I understand how hard this must be for you.

Losing Bastila this way is terrible for me too and I'm not in love with her, like you."

Her smile turned sad, at these words.

X

Even though he'd told her off, after her confession, her feelings seemed to remain.

Yet he was sure she'd accepted that they should remain close friends, nothing more, as sure as he was, that her love was nothing more than an extension of her admiration and gratefulness for him.

„Okay then, you should probably still go to the med bay, just to be sure. It may be better to bandage your chest for a while."

„I will. I'll go right now."

She called her lightsaber from the floor and walked away.

Derek moaned, Juhani might have forggiven him, but he himself couldn't do it that fast.

Boy was he tired. But at least the exhaustion had one positive aspect; his tension had receded a bit.

„_No." _He thought to himself_. „I'll never give up on Bastila._

_If it costs me my life, I'll find a way to bring her back to the light side and stop Malak."_

* * *

><p><strong>X<strong>

**The Soul Forge, the second confrontation with Bastila**

**X**

„_Revan, I knew you'd come for me."_

He sighed, alone to see her in the Sith-getup again hurt, and yet his heart cried out for her, the moment she appeared.

„_I'm Derek now Bastila, Revan doesn't exist anymore." _

„**And you know I had to come. I could never give up on you. I know you can still be saved!"**

He emphatically sent through their force connection.

She showed absolutely no reaction, as if their bound didn't exist anymore.

„_You're wasting your time. I've seen the Jedi for what they are. Weak and afraid. The Sith are the true masters of the force. You've forgotten that lesson, Revan. Now you have to pay the price. _

_Here on the Star Forge the power of the dark side is at its strongest. This time you will not defeat me."_

_X_

A crackling web of white Energy, send by Bastila, hit Juhani and

Carth. Neither her Jedi-abilities, nor his armour, were enough to save them from it's paralyzing effect.

Derek whirled around only to see a „bulkhead" slam shut between him and his companions.

His last impression was of the anger in Carth's eyes and Juhani's fear for his safety.

X

X

Slowly he returned his attention to the woman he loved.

For some reason, she'd waited, instead of attacking him instantly.

But now she slowly, threateningly walked towards him, her two bladed red lightsaber ignited.

Hesitating, he ignited his two blades as well, one burning in a glowing orange colour, resembling a sun's colour, the other in a cold turquoise.

She opened up with a shower of force lightning, that he could deflect almost without any effort.

Furious about this, she snarled and threw herself at him, her weapon a blur of angry red.

X

He blocked her first blow, with his right blade and when she went for his legs with the other end of her weapon; he blocked it with the second one. He used his greater strength to push her back from the deadlock, pivoted around on his left leg, his extended right leg hitting her stomach, sending her flying back along the walkway, until she landed hard.

Shaking off his blow. She somersaulted high through the air to deliver a devastating blow to his head.

Crossing his lightsaber blades, he caught her blade between them and pushed. She was thrown backwards, but managed to turn her fall with the force to land close to him on her feet.

She charged at him again, hitting low, high, low, high and low again. He blocked each blow with his crossed blades and jumped over the last one, turning midair and catching the side of her head with his boot.

X

Bastila was thrown around, fell to the ground and slid over the edge of the walkway. She turned off her lightsaber, to grip the edge, before she could fall down.

Pushing herself with the force she, lifted herself up with one arm and landed gracefully, where she'd started her first attack, just one or two minutes ago.

She smiled viciously at him, panting heavily one moment, before he could literally see how the Star Forge filled her with dark side energy.

X

„_I see now why Malak followed you. Even though you are only a shadow of your former self. You're still a formidable opponent._

_I can't even imagine the power you must have wielded, when you were the dark lord. You were a fool to give it all up and follow the light side."_

His voice was calm when he answered.

„_I am as strong in the light side as I ever was on the dark side."_

**"And experiencing live is more satisfactory, with friends and loved ones around you, instead of fearful followers. **

**All I'm missing is you, Bas'. Can't you see that it's destroying you?"**

She hissed at him and he could feel her answer through the bond, before he even heard the first word.

„_The dark side has made me stronger than I ever was before. I've a greater command of the force, than all but the most powerful Jedi masters._

_As Malak teaches me the greatest secrets of the Sith, I'll unlock more of my potential. Eventually there'll be no limit to what I can accomplish with the force."_

„_All you will accomplish is death and destruction with the dark side, nothing else."_

„**And do you think Malak will let you become this powerful? As he betrayed me, he'll betray you, Bas‚"**

A cruel grin appeared on her lips.

„_Jedi propaganda. The darkside is only a tool and Malak will train me in its use._

_Eventually I'll surpass my master and challenge him._

_If I'm worthy, he'll die by my hand._

_Then I will take on my own apprentice and the cycle will begin again. _

_This is the way of the Sith. It is how we assure or leaders are always the strongest and most worthy."_

„_You're dooming yourself to an endless cycle of death and destruction."_

_**"Can't you see that, princess? Following the path of the Sith only leads to misery and pain."**_

„_No Revan it is you who are doomed."_

_X_

He lost his control for the first time and basically yelled at her through the bond.

_**"Don't call me Revan!"**_

Smiling, because she'd cracked his shell, she came at him again.

She was brimming with Dark side energy her attacks even harder than before.

Again and again their blades met, Derek's two lightsabers weaved an intricate pattern of orange and Turquoise light around ´Bastila's double bladed red.

As easily as before, he overcame her defence time and time again, but each cut, each burn she received was torture to him. Seeing the pained expression on her face alone was almost killing him.

X

Finally she fell to her knees, clutching at the gaping wound in her side, he'd just inflicted on her.

He couldn't stop the tears welling up in his eyes at seeing that.

Even the star forge wasn't able to heal her fast enough.

She was panting from pain and exhaustion and her arm was laying on the big cut in her right side, supporting and protecting it as best as possible.

Still, her voice was full of scorn and confidence.

„_You're growing weary, I can sense that. Your strength falters. _

_The light side is failing you, while the power of the star forge re-energizes me. Soon this will all be over."_

He realized he didn't want to hurt her again.

„_Then strike me down Bastila. I won't defend myself."_

X

She didn't believe it of course, but his expression must have told her he wasn't playing any games.

_**"I don't want to be forced to hurt you again. Don't let your fear rule you, my love."**_

Still unconvinced she inquired.

„_What type of trick is this? „_

„_! Remember what you once were, Bastila. A Jedi would never strike down a defenceless enemy."_

Her face set in determination she stepped forward again.

Like before filled to the brim with power.

„_I am a Sith apprentice now, you place too much faith in what I used to be... and for that you'll pay."_

_X_

This time her attacks were faster, harder, deadlier, but he still found it easy to defend himself. Perhaps her anger and the lack of finesse resulting from it, were the reason for this.

At first he was totally on defence himself, but soon he realized, that only by beating her decisively, he could show her that the light side was stronger.

Blow after blow, stab after stab, he broke through her defence. Leaving burns cuts and scorch marks all over her arm and legs, before another kick send her flying the whole length of the walkway. Her back colliding with the edge of the higher platform.

She screamed in pain as she hit and couldn't manage to stand up again. He wanted to run to her, heal her, hold her, comfort her, but he couldn't risk it. Not yet.

Agonizingly slow she came to her feet again. The cut on her side opened again, she clutched her body with her arm. To protect it.

She limped closer to him, each step eliciting a small whimper of pain.

X

„_No. This is not possible. You've rejected the darkside; you are a weak and pathetic servant of the light! How can you still stand against me? Why can't I defeat you?"_

Putting all his faith and believe in it, he answered.

„_Now you see the dark side is no stronger than the light."_

Realization began to dawn in her eyes.

„_Yes. I see you speak the truth. I'm no match for you. Please for the sake of what we once shared, do not make me suffer. End my life quickly. There is no other way,"_

Was she crazy? How should he be able to kill her?

Again tears clouded his eyes.

„_I could never kill you Bastila."_

**"Please, my love, don't ask that of me. The idea alone is killing me. Just come back to me."**

Through the bond there came no answer, instead she spoke again.

„_What other choice do you have? I've fallen to the dark side. I am the apprentice of the dark lord himself. You cannot let me live."_

There had to be another way. She could be saved, he knew it.

„_You can reject the dark side, Bastila. Return to the light."_

**"... And to me, Bas, please.'" **he added through their bond.

He felt hope emanating through the bond, but it was soon quelled by doubt and regret.

„_No... I'm not strong enough. There is too much anger inside me now. Too much hatred and fear. I can no longer find peace in the force."_

„_I was redeemed Bastila. You can be too."_

She laughed without joy, a dry painful noise.

„_You were a special case. The council had no other choice. _

_They needed you alive so they could discover the location of the star forge. It was an act of desperation._

_It was my responsibility to watch over you. To make sure you did not slip back into your evil ways._

_I was supposed to protect you from the darkside."_

„_You did more than protect me."_

„_It's true I possess... feelings for you. But was it only an illusion brought about by our bond? And what was the cost?_

_Please. This is too painful. End it now, quickly. There is no other way."_

„_Use our bond then. Take your strength from me."_

The pain in her voice was cutting into him like nails.

„_You... always had more strength than I did. I told you that. I felt so... helpless before your destiny._

_You were Revan and I couldn't tell you... __It was agonizing! _

_Even worse when I began to feel... closer to you. I despised myself for it._

_And even now I... feel your strength. _

_It… does help me. _

_Thank you I think I can face the end, now. _

_If you are the one to end it for me."_

X

End it? End it? Never! Never! Never! He had to convince her, had to lead the way for her.

„_I love you, Bastila. I can't abandon you, ever."_

A dreamy smile showed on her lips. Small, but it was there.

There might be hope.

„_You… love me? Heh. I... there was a time I yearned for and yet dreaded to hear those words. _

_I loved you too, but I could never... face who you were._

_Malak knew how I felt. Any part of the light that was within me would be extinguished when I killed you._

_But what good is love? It cannot save me from the sea of blackness I am drowning in. I have betrayed everything I ever believed in! How can I atone for that?"_

X

There were many ways.

_**„Even I was redeemed and I've done so much more terrible things than she has."**_

„_Help us defeat the Sith, Bastila. This will atone for what you've done."_

Slowly hope began to be noticeable in her voice.

„_Yes. I... could join you in your battle against the dark lord. That alone would not make up for all I have done, yet... it would be a step in the right direction._

„_But how would you be able to trust me? How do you know I wouldn't turn on you when you faced Darth Malak? How do you know the dark side wouldn't make me betray you again?"_

That she even had to ask this. Did she still not know it?

„_I trust you enough to leave myself open to your attack, Bastila."_

She smiled again.

„_You play a dangerous game. Are you certain you wish to take this risk? I could end your life and gain Malak's favour with a single stroke of my lightsaber."_

And if she did, it would be better than losing her. But he could never believe she would.

„_You won't, Bastila. Because I love you and I believe in you."_

_X_

He clipped his lightsabers back on his belt, spread his arms and looked to the floor. Completely open to any attack by her. She needed to know that nothing had changed for him. That his love and trust were as strong as ever.

„_You are brave... and some would say foolish. But you are also right. The dark side has not wholly consumed me. I cannot raise my blade against you._

_You will go on and defeat Malak, of that I have little doubt. You will have gone from being the Sith Lord, himself, to the saviour of our galaxy._

_And... and you said you loved me. This may not be the best time to say it, but... I love you too. With all my heart."_

How long had he waited to hear her say this? But he had to be sure.

X

„_You aren't afraid to love anymore?"_

She smiled at him again, gone was the cold Sith, her smile was warm like before.

„_After this? No, nothing could make me feel safer than to be loved by you."_

_"You should go, Malak awaits you. This isn't over, yet... for any of us._

_I should stay here, though. If we face Malak I'm afraid his dark presence will overwhelm me. It would not be wise to expose myself to such temptation. „_

He was sure, she'd never succumb to the dark again.

„_Bastila, I want you by my side when I face the Dark Lord."_

„_I'm sorry, but the risk is too great I am not wholly free of the dark side's shadow. Not yet. But you are more than a match for the Dark Lord. I understand that now."_

Still there were ways she could be of crucial help.

„_You could use your Battle Meditation to aid the republic fleet."_

_She nodded thankful for the idea. For the chance of redemption._

„_Yes, that would be for the best. You don't need me to defeat Malak, anyway. Now I understand that a true Jedi is a match for any Sith. Even the Dark Lord himself._

_I will stay here in this chamber and use my Battle Meditation to aid the Republic fleet. I am their only hope of destroying the Star Forge and ending the Sith menace._

_You must go and face Malak, but you have to hurry. Once I turn the battle in the Republic's favour we won't have much time to escape the Star Forge before it is destroyed._

_Good luck, my love... and may the force be with you."_

X

He wanted to, but could not make a move, to leave her. Not yet

She swayed back and forth, her eyes burning into him longingly, hungry. But something still held her back, as if she was frozen in place.

Her hand reached out as if to touch him, her body almost swaying forward, yet unable to make that first step towards him.

He took one step toward her and opened his arms.

With a happy sigh, she tumbled in his arms. Crying and laughing at the same time.

His lips caught hers, tasting the salty bittersweet tears on them.

His arms clutched her to him so tightly, as if he was trying to pull her into his body.

She reacted in the same way, pressing herself to him, as if she could melt to a thin sheath around him.

"Derek. I love you. I love you. Thank you. For believing in me. For saving me."

X

They both were crying now, tears of happiness.

As horrible as this ordeal had been, the barriers between them were gone now.

"Of course I believe in you. You are my light. My shining star.

I would never believe that darkness could claim you.

You burn too bright for this to happen."

She smiled through her tears and started kissing his nose, eyes, cheek, before she closed his mouth with hers and pushed her tongue into him. While their ltongues were dancing around each other, she pressed her body against his even more.

It was, making him wish his armour away, to feel more of her warmth.

Her hands clutched the back of his head, the other the back of his neck, her lips slamming into his, so hard, it even hurt.

He buried one hand in her dark tresses, the other pressing into the small of her back.

For the next few minutes, they forgot the Star Forge, the fighting fleets and the danger around them.

All that existed were Bastila and Derek, two young lovers, who'd finally, accepted the scale of their feelings for each other.

X

The moment she left his arms, he started regretting it already, but he knew there wasn't much time left and the republican fleet needed Bastila's abilities.

"I don't want to go."

"And I don't want you to go."

"You know, you really shouldn't have taught me so well what duty means."

She laughed warmly, still holding his face between her hands.

"I regret it. I regret it… I know you have to go, but promise me that you'll return for me. That you'll beat Malak."

"Of course! Nothing could keep me from you. Not even ten Sith-Lords."

He hesitated again, before he let go of her and she let go of his head.

X

"Derek, just remember to hurry. You won't have much time and we don't know how many obstacles will be in our way, when we try to reach the Ebon Hawk."

"We should be fine. T3-M4 is holding the doors on our escape route open, with Mission and Zaalbar protecting him.

Jolee, Canderous and HK-47, are keeping the droids and Siths away."

He gave her a last passionate kiss.

"I'll go now. See you as soon as I can manage… I love you."

She held his hand for one moment longer.

"I love you. I'll wait, and I'll do everything I can to turn the tide of the battle."

He nodded, turned around and left.

* * *

><p><strong>X<strong>

**Epilogue**

**X**

**One year after the Star Forge's destruction. An undisclosed location.**

**X**

A little more than a year had passed since the demise of Darth Malak and the destruction of the Star Forge.

A year spent travelling the republic, first defeating the warring Sith factions on Korriban, than working on restoring the JedI order.

Like Derek had predicted, pretty soon their party had been reduced to Bastila, Mission, the droids and him.

Not that he'd ever minded that.

His friends deserved to live their own lives and he had been more than contend to spend his time with his beloved and his "adopted sister:"

And after the hunt for the Star Forge, pacifying Korriban didn't seem all that hard.

X

Then the dreams and visions had returned and slowly the realization had dawned on him, that his work wasn't finished.

The true Sith were still out there, building their forces.

For months he had pondered what to do, as more and more of his memories returned.

As long as possible he refrained from telling Bastila, but one day she had confronted him about it.

Through their bond she'd caught glimpses of his visions and thoughts, no matter how much he tried to hide it.

When he'd told her everything he dared to and that he was planning to return to the Unknown regions, without her, she'd broken down crying.

Then they had started to argue, for weeks. Bastila tried everything, from pleading to threatening; Derek would have done everything for her, but not this.

He was adamant. The danger for her life and her soul was too great.

Finally she relented, but then she didn't speak with him at all, almost didn't touch him.

Only during the night, during desperate lovemaking, she clung to him.

X

Meanwhile Derek and M3 readied the Ebon Hawk for the long journey.

He bought the necessary supplies and sent messages to his friends, with time codes, which would only release the news about his departure when he was already gone.

Then one week before he planned to leave, he contacted Carth and explained what he was about to do, entrusting the task of protecting the Republic to his friend.

X

Mission reacted almost as bad to the news, as Bastila had.

She didn't talk with him for more than a week, eons for her.

And she was as somber as never before for the rest of the time.

Derek realized, that she felt as betrayed by him now, as she had by her Brother Griff, but there was no way to change it.

She suggested accompanying him, but he would hear nothing of it.

He'd put the girl into enough danger already.

X

X

Finally it was the night before his departure.

Bastila and he went to bed early and made love for hours.

Afterwards she pressed herself into his body, his arms around him, clinging to him as if he was her only lifeline.

He stroke her hair and caressed her face, thinking desperately about something to comfort her, finding nothing.

At some time she began to cry, quiet and suppressed at first, then louder and without restraint.

Her lithe was body shaking with the force of her sobbing and wailing.

He couldn't get her to calm down, nothing worked.

It felt like hours until her tears subsided and she fell asleep from exhaustion.

Derek lay awake, feeling his own heart break at the thought of leaving his Jedi Princess behind.

Let the republic save itself! He'd already done his part.

What about his wishes, his dreams of a future with his beloved?

X

They'd planned on marrying next year, had begun to talk about children and now chances were, that he'd never see her again.

Dawn was already shining through the window, when he finally managed to fall asleep, Bastila still in his arms.

X

X

He knocked on the door.

"Go away!"

"Mission, please!"

"Why are you still here anyway? I thought you'd sneak away, when we were still sleeping."

"You know I'd never do that, kiddo. Come on, Mission I understand you don't want to come out and watch me leave, but don't you wanna say goodbye at all?"

He heard her moan loudly in frustration.

"Fine! You can come in."

He opened the door and entered her room.

It was relatively impersonal. She'd basically just added her "treasures" to the existing furniture.

A few bandanas with the signs of the "Black Vulkarr" and the "Hidden Bek." A ceremonial Wookie-knife, a present from Zaalbar.

A coral from Manaan, some dried plants from Dantooine and one of the crystals they'd found on Korriban.

And of course her tools and Gadgets, spread over every available surface, except the bed that was standing in a corner.

Mission was sitting on it, her back to the wall, her knees pulled up to her chest, head resting on her knees.

Her look was, to say the least, defiant.

X

Revan let herself fall on the bed beside her, almost hitting the wall with his head.

"Watch out, you moron! Wouldn't help you with your plans, would it. If you smashed your head in."

She seemed to consider this.

"On second thought, go ahead."

"Haha. Very funny, Mission."

He started to tickle her, until she burst out laughing.

They began to brawl in fun, until he suddenly held a crying Twi-lek girl in his arms.

"Mission…"

Under sobs, she cried out.

"Why? Why do you have to go?

You promised… You promised not to leave me.

If I'd known you'd run away, I would have stayed with Zaalbar."

"I have to go because there is something sinister out there in the unknown regions, at least as dangerous as the Star Forge and Malak, probably much more."

She sniffed and rubbed her eyes, looking up to him.

"But why do you have to go? Let other Jedis go. Let the fleet handle this."

"None of the other Jedis know what I know. Perhaps I can even work against the enemy from within. And you know, I'm probably the strongest JedI Guardian alive at the moment, since the Academy was destroyed. Please Mission, believe me, I'd like nothing more than to stay here with Bastila and you, but I've no choice."

"Still sucks though! I'll miss you so much and Bastila will probably go crazy, without you."

He looked her in the eyes, his expression very serious.

"Then please, Mission! Help her! Don't leave for Zaalbar so soon.

Please be there for her, in my stead.

Can't you do this for me sis'?"

She regarded him equally serious, 'though her eyes lightened up, when he called her sister.

"Okay! I'll stay here, until I'm sure she's okay, maybe I'll stay with her for good, at least until you come back."

Suddenly she looked scared.

"You will come back, won't you?

Promise you'll come back!"

X

Derek shifted around uneasily, finding it hard to look in her bright brown eyes.

"I promise I'll do my best to return. I'll do everything to come back to my family."

She looked at him, unasked questions in her eyes. She'd definitely noticed, that he didn't promise what she wanted, but realized, he couldn't and wouldn't lie to her.

"Look Mission, I have to go now. I don't want to keep HK waiting, he might shoot me."

She laughed, but not with much real joy in it.

Then she hugged him as strong as she could, tears in her eyes again and her voice was shaky, when she said.

"Allright! Goodbye brother. I'll miss you! Miss you so much."

He couldn't quite suppress the pain in his voice as well.

He'd really grown to love the girl and he felt terrible enough that he had to leave both Bastila and her.

"I'll miss you as well. I'll think off you and Bastila, whenever I'm down or loose my courage.".

He hugged her back one last time, before she let him go.

"Goodbye, little sis' take care and look after Bas' for me."

He hurried out of the room, but not fast enough to miss it, when she began to cry again.

X

X

The sun was slowly setting, when Derek and Bastila walked to the back of the house, where the small landing pad on which the Ebon Hawk rested, was located.

All supplies were on board and M3 had already run the warm-up procedures.

The little astromech rolled down the entry ramp, when the two Jedi arrived at the ship. HK-47 was already on board.

Derek came to a halt and turned back to his lover.

X

Bastila wore a simple white dress, with a low v-cut neckline, that hung to her body in all the right places.

She certainly wasn't making it easier for him, by looking so unbelievable beautiful.

Her blue-grey eyes were red from crying. She took the sleeves of his jacket and pulled him to her, pressing a hungry kiss on his lips.

They kissed without tongue, yet still passionate. This wasn't about lust, ths was each trying to show the other, the amount of love they felt.

X

Minutes later their lips parted and Bastila pulled him in a tight embrace.

"Don't go. Please don't go. I'll die without you."

His arms pulled her even closer.

"Don't, Bas'! You're strong, you can manage without me."

She cried out.

"But I don't want to! You promised, Derek! You promised we'd never be apart again. That you'd never leave me alone!

What am I supposed to do?"

"Bas'! Princess! We've been over this I have no choice. I wouldn't go if there was any other way."

"But you promised! You promised me a live together. A year is not a life. A year is nothing! Nothing!"

X

Somehow it made him angry. Ever since he'd told her she was making it harder for him, than it already was.

"You think I don't know that? Bastila, I love you more than my life! Leaving you is tearing me apart! Please, don't make it even harder for me."

She looked deep into the eyes, searching, thinking, then she nodded. Her voice was so weak and broken, when she spoke again, that it made his chest ache.

"I-I-I d-don't want to. I'm just… I feel so lost already and you're not even gone.

I wanted to be your wife. Wanted to raise our children.

Is that all over now? W-w-will you…."

She stopped and had to fight to continue.

"Promise me, Derek. Promise me you will come back.

Don't let me live alone! Come back to me!"

X

Thoughts were racing through his mind. He couldn't promise something, of which he couldn't be sure.

But, by the Force, she was so desperate. Something, almost certainly her fall to the dark side, made her depend on him too much.

If he'd noticed earlier, they might have been able to do something about it. Now it was too late…

"I… Bas', I'll promise that nothing but death will keep me apart from you. And I promise I will do everything in my power to stay alive, for you!

You know, I can't promise you I will return and I won't lie to you. But I'll do everything, everything possible to come back. Okay, love?"

X

She nodded and smiled weakly through her tears, then she kissed him again.

X

They stood there for a long time, maybe half an hour, just kissing and enjoying the closeness of the other.

Finally M3, beeped anxiously, alerting Derek to the fact that they had to start now, before their clearance ran out.

Quietly they let each other go, their eyes still locked together.

X

"Okay, Bas'. I'll leave the job of restoring the order to you; I know you are the right Jedi for it.

Mission will stay with you. Please take care of her."

She simply nodded, not sure she could trust her voice.

""I'll go now. See you as soon as I can manage… I love you."

She smiled, remembering when he'd last told her that.

"I love you. I'll wait, and I'll do everything I can."

He nodded and smiled back at her.

Bastila walked to the waiting astromech and slid her hand over his head.

"You keep your promise, M3! You hear me."

The droid chirped in acknowledgement.

Bastila's eyes wandered back to the man she loved, the man she needed.

He stood above the still open ramp and watched her, while the little droid glided past him.

For once his normally so open face was a calm mask.

He waved at her one last time, then the opening closed.

Her hand reached out after him, slowly closed around nothing and her arm fell to her side.

Less than a minute later, her heart flew into space.

The world began to tumble and whirl around her and then nothing but darkness was before.

Her body fell to the ground with a heavy thud.

X

Mission found her unconscious body, shortly afterwards, when she ran outside to catch a last glimpse of the departing ship.

X

Aboard the Ebon Hawk, just getting ready for hyperspace, Derek couldn't help but experience Bastila's reaction to his departure.

It was too painful, but he left the Force-Bond open, wanting to be as close to his lover for as long as possible.

He sat in the pilot's chair, a single tear running down his cheek.

He'd done everything not to let Bastila feel it, but he was almost sure that he could never return to her side. Even if he did all that he promised and more...

X

**END**

**...for now**

* * *

><p>X<br>X

**That's it so far, I did my best to stay in canon and still accomplish what I set out to do. Hopefully it worked.**

**Please read the next story as well, when it's finished.**

**Be so nice and have pity on me.**

**As always. The crappy editing isn't my fault, it's what the site always turns my scripts into. **

**I do my best to keep the stories still readable. Alone this chapter took a bit more than an hour, after I loaded it up on the side.**

**AND PLEASE PEOPLE. REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! I NEED THIS TO KEEP GOING.**


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